Bros Icing Bros: The War on (Smirnoff Ice) Terrorism


Are you familiar with this Bros Icing Bros frenzy? It’s a fad, game, and form of “fun” urban terrorism that involves you, every “bro” you know, and The Most Disgusting Malt Liquor Beverage on Earth, Smirnoff Ice. It works like this: You challenge your friends to drink it by “surprising” them with it in crafty ways. Only quitters, losers, and brocists refuse. And two weeks after it started, it’s still happening. And it’s only gotten worse.

When we’d last checked in with Bros Icing Bros — just as we’d suspected would happen — Smirnoff denied involvement in Bros Icing Bros as a marketing phenomenon they’d perpetrated.

Surprisingly, though, we found that this drinking phenomenon’s seemingly ubiquitous presence on The Internet (mostly) had no visible effect on sales in the Metro New York City area. That hasn’t stopped it from continuing.

A blog unaffiliated with the original Bros Icing Bros creators — named You Got Iced, after the victors’ taunt upon “Icing” a fellow bro — started sometime after the original site gained popularity. It’s apparently operated by the urban terrorist cell located within local concert promoters Bowery Presents, which would explain how they’ve managed to “Ice” such popular acts as:

  • The National
  • Ra Ra Riot
  • Okkervil River
  • Neon Indian
  • and, uh, and Dustin “Screech” Diamond of Saved by the Bell fame

among others.

Even worse, the game is starting to win the war on the way Americans live their lives. It’s come to the point of inspiring outright terror and paranoia, now. One of the “Bros” behind blog Prose Before Hos, Anonymous Banker, is clearly — tragically — being victimized:

I live in fear. The left pocket of my favorite pair of jeans is now forever molded to the shape of a Smirnoff bottle. Security often stops me while leaving Duane Reade or Chipotle until they see the suspicious bulge is a lukewarm bottle of malt-liquor and realize not even shop-lifters would stoop so low. I carry a Smirnoff Ice on me at all times. Even when I go run. Make that, especially when I go run.

And it won’t stop. Soon, all Americans (of drinking age, supposedly) will have to face the choice of wearing the figurative — and if it gets bad enough, literal — Scarlett S, or of living in fear of having to drink that terrible shit. Anonymous Banker continues:

It took a while but frat boys finally figured out the social media game. Meatheads could always ruin your day off-line, now they can do it online as well.

You’ve been warned. At this point, don’t be surprised if you see an insurgency against The Ice rises up for those who have been terrorized for too long, who have lived in fear and suffered the cruel and inhumane pressures, digestive, or liver issues this creeping, shark-like terror brings forth. Viva la Beer. Whatever happened to chugging things that didn’t taste like Sweet-N-Low flavored piss? The people want to remember. And they will. We believe they will.