Tits and ass, tits and ass. Is it really just hard to accept others as they are? Apparently not, as we learned from the millions of
dirty old men readers sympathetic to the cause of Debrahlee Lorenzana, The Sexy Banker Who Couldn’t. Lorenzana says she was fired from her job at CitiBank because her bosses thought she was too capital-S Sexy to handle your deposit. And to prove to you how not-distracting Lorenzana is, we showed you pictures of her being not-distracting. That said, come on, now. Everyone needs get a grip on themselves this situation: Lorenzana’s hardly been the first one to lose work over beauty discrimination. Here are ten others who have suffered her plight as well:
10. Jordan Reid. You know that show, It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia? Reid was originally set to be on it. And then she was replaced by Kaitlin Olson, who is still on the show to this day. Supposedly it was because of a relationship Reid felt was “crumbling.” But I mean, really? Really?
9. Lara Logan. Logan’s been with CNN correspondent Michael Ware, UK basketball player Jason Siemon, and is now married to a hottie defense contractor. But that sentence will always come before the one about her incredible tenures as a foreign correspondent for 60 Minutes and CBS News, and that time she had to convince 60 Minutes to use her footage in Baghdad. Why? Because she’s a fox, is why. We don’t know about the jobs this has cost her, but we do know that we should be seeing more of her. Because she’s a great reporter.
8. Sienna Miller. Miller was supposed to be in Robin Hood with Russell Crowe, but was fired halfway through production. Why? Funny you should ask. Try “Because she made Russell Crowe look like a pile of bunched-up dirty socks filled with flesh-colored jellybeans.” Director Ridley Scott supposedly canned Miller for being sexy. Unfair especially because beauty’s been beauty throughout all of time, and in the spirit of Robin Hood, Miller was only trying to share her beauty with the people.
7. Kimberly Sams. Who’s Kimberly Sams, you ask? Funny you should ask! Sams was a cheerleader at Eastern Tennessee State University who was kicked off the cheerleading squad…for working at Hooters. A young woman, trying to subsidize her education through the service industry, was persecuted for doing so. What’s more disgusting: Buffalo Shrimp, or The Hatred That Comes With The Projecting of One’s Own Image Issues?
6. Dr. Who. The new version of Dr. Who is being criticized for being — you guessed it — too sexy. Tell that to all the worlds he’s about to save, nerds. He hasn’t been fired yet, but TV’s a vicious business. We’re putting Who on the list as an advocacy against the ceasing of his employment.
5. D’Angelo. The “Brown Sugar” singer went from Neo-Soul star to Neo-Soul legend with the release of 2000’s game-changing record, Voodoo, and the game-changing video for one of its singles, “Untitled (How Does It Feel).” The video — featuring a bare D’Angelo, just singing, and doing nothing else, without showing anything below the waist — turned him from a music act into visual feed for the savage monsters who then frequented his concerts and impaired his ability to perform with their unstoppable requests for D’Angelo to get sexy for them. D’Angelo went kinda crazy and has yet to release a proper album since; his ever-forthcoming James River is the Chinese Democracy of R & B.
4. Nancy Kerrigan. Kerrigan wasn’t necessarily a victim of workplace discrimination, per se, but she was a victim of workplace harassment. Kerrigan was such a little cutie that Harding decided to make it difficult for Kerrigan to fit into the workplace. By having her knees clubbed. This also may have had something to do with the fact that Kerrigan was a better skater, but there’s no question as to whether beauty played a part in Harding’s motivations or not. I mean, woof.
3. The Entire Cast and Crew of Showgirls. Unfortunately, you have to have seen the cinematic trailblazer that is Showgirls in order to understand why this is, suffice to say that after having produced the sexiest movie in the history of sexy movies, none of these people have ever been able to work properly since. The world is cruel and petty.
2. Ashley Alexandra Dupre. Hey, it’s not her fault former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer wanted to do her. She didn’t force him to pay her boss lots of money to have sex with her. But a girl’s got bills to pay, and what’s really wrong with working The Oldest Profession in the World? Ms. Dupre is a classicist, and the world wasn’t ready to accept her no matter how great she was at
giving her jobs. So the Governor had sex with her, and of course, she’s out of a job! The Gift and The Curse, they call it, but when The Curse struck, the classy act that is the New York Post was thankfully there to give her gainful employment among their ranks. Also, she posed NUDE FOR PLAYBOY, THE PICTURES OF WHICH ARE HERE ARE VILLAGE VOICE DOT COM. As is the case with Ms. Lorenzana’s story, for news purposes, of course.
1. Right Said Fred. This guy’s life is a walking civil liberties case. He was too sexy for his love, for New York, for Milan, for Japan, for his apparel, for parties, for cars, for headgear, or even, for cats. You know when you’re too sexy for animals, you’ve been burdened with a life that makes you a martyr for a greater cause. It’s not your fault you’re beautiful, you were born that way. Thankfully, Fred is a Christ-like humanitarian who takes pity on those who lack tolerance. In regards to his feline-discrimination issues, he notes: “Poor pussy, poor pussy cat.” Poor, indeed. If only they understood what the world’s beauty-haters were so ignorantly hating. If only.