Bros Icing Bros: The Media Conspiracy, Unveiled


Have you been subjected to the braindead drinking war-dance ritualism that is Bros Icing Bros? It involves you, everyone you know, the existential nature of the universe, and The Closest Carbonated Beverages Can Get to Resembling Sweetened Fizzy Piss, Smirnoff Ice. The most recent development involved the New York Times (after closely following RUNNIN SCARED DOT COM’s airtight coverage) embarking on their own deep cover mission into Bros Icing Bros. Now that the Bros Icing Bros media coverage gap between humble web logs and Mainstream Media Outlets like the New York Times and CNN has been closed, one could argue that this viral sensation the media discovered has reached fever pitch! Not so fast.

Now, if you have a healthy distrust of American Media Outlets, it’s because you should. Like the Tea Party, the Swine Flu, the Baking Crisis, and the North Korean Nuclear Threat, it’s time the American public knows: Bros Icing Bros wasn’t discovered by the media. It was created by the media. And you’ve all fallen for it hook, line, and sinker. Proof?

Hamilton Nolan at Gawker — who also writes about people punching each other for The Village Voice — in assessing the New York Times coverage yesterday, noted of the timeline:

Let’s see, we wrote about this on May 21, and The Awl wrote about it before us, and by that time, of course, it was already firmly established as a stupid, stupid trend among real bros.

OR WAS IT? As The Awl already noted, there is proof that media “reporter” Nolan was iced with other media players on May 22nd! And who knows how long his and their participation had been in play before that!?! Even more, on May 23rd, New York Magazine‘s scoop-happy media reporter (and Rupert Murdoch cover story-writer) Gabriel Sherman was quietly iced as well! BOOM. Are you still not convinced of The Bros Icing Bros Media Conspiracy? Well, let the truth be told: I, too, have been iced, on May 21st, under the doppelganger of “Frank.” And if you look to the right of this post, you’ll see as of this moment two of the top ten posts on this web site are BROS ICING BROS posts. If you look on The Awl, you will see that their MOST VIEWED post is about Bros Icing Bros. And as for Nolan? It’s one of his most trafficked posts in June thus far, and as you can see, posts about BROS ICING BROS DO QUITE WELL ON THE INTERNET! And the New York Times knows this, too. Last evening, of all the articles in the New York Times — in a world where corruption is at-large by the Powers That Be, when our ecosystem is being ruined in front of our eyes, when the Dogs of War line their pockets with the blood money of innocent people — guess which one about a stupid drinking game was the third most-viewed post. LOOK AND SEE FOR YOURSELF:

And as of right now, is the third-most emailed and eighth-most viewed post in the Times‘ Business Section. And somewhere, you know the New York Times‘ J. David Goodman is off getting ‘Iced’ right now.

Don’t you see? Some authentic American Bros created a ritual they thought was fun. But somewhere down the line, the American Media Machine saw the ability to exploit it for two reasons:

1. Pageviews.

2. More Pageviews.

Like so many other ways The Media can compel you, be it with fear (tea parties and death panels?) or with emotional appeal (like bombastic, hyperbolic headlines), and with, say, salacious insight into some exotic ritual of the universe you might be able to one day take part in that we perpetrated ourselves — like a drinking party-war you have yet to be invited to or understand — those controlling the presses have hosed you once again Yes. America, The Media ‘Iced’ you. And like the drink this entire conspiracy is centered around, it is just as disgustingly sweet for us as it is for you.