15 Ways to Celebrate June 15th, Drake Day


Drake’s album came out today. If you don’t care, or are nonplussed, you are wrong. That said, it’s time to lend some positivity to the proceedings. If you have yet to celebrate Drake Day by buying his album — or are looking to further commemorate the occasion — we now present you with 15 ways to do so.

1. Hit one from behind the line. In a wheelchair.

2. Wrap Tefillin. While eating Poutine. No, Poutine.

3. Visit Weezy. On Rikers. Or just write him a letter.

4. Need to get out of something important? Motherfuck a kneecap.

5. When someone asks why you’re taking so long to get something done, tell them you’re doing it like you’re in Houston: taking everything slow, so slow, so slow.

6. Free Weezy. Or just write him a letter.

7. Buy a Rolls Royce Phantom using the $20 your grandmother still sends you every year for your birthday as the down payment.

8. Snitch.

9. Snitch (on Rihanna).

10. Go to club. Go straight to VIP. Order bottle service. Sigh. [Also see: Kvetch.]

11. Thank someone for something they did. Tomorrow.

12. Pour a bucket of water over that girl’s head. Let everyone know how you got her wet.

13. Motherfuck a Freshman 10.

14. SCREAM FOR WEEZY UNTIL HE CAN HEAR YOU IN RIKERS. Or just write him a letter.

15. Whistle The Andy Griffith Theme Song. With your pussy.

Happy Drake Day.

With assistance from Maura Johnston.