The Voice Fashion Crew Weighs in on Lourdes’ New Juniors Line

As if the Material Girl’s eldest spawn wasn’t busy enough with her new enrollment at LaGuardia High and her ever-changing parental visitations with her real poppa, step-poppa, and baby Jesus, little Lola, ahem, Lourdes, is also debuting a Juniors clothing line via Macy’s on August 3. On Wednesday the department store released sketches of a few looks. Prices range from $12 to $40 an item, but that’s not what got the attention of the Voice’s fashion crew.

Angela, Araceli, and Stacey, our resident wardrobe gurus, dive into the real matter at hand. Let’s take a listen:

Araceli: Before we begin to analyze the wonder that is Lourdes, can I just say that this is Madonna’s attempt to live on FOREVER. Lourdes is her clone.

Stacey: And the emphasis on florals is her desire to pollinate the world? This is your theory, not mine — I don’t want to hijack it. You know what my problem is with this line? I’m going to tell you. There are no bows! I was gonna make a REALLY AWESOME “La Isla Bow-nita” joke and now that’s ruined, ruined forever.

Angela: But, wait, I think there is one in the hair…in Look #3. You can make your joke now!

Stacey: Oooooh. It’s like “La Isla Bow-nita” over here! WIN.

Araceli: Madonna is just looking to stay relevant with all age groups. This stinks!

Stacey: Unfortunately there is no peach, so “Papa Don’t Peach” was D.O.A.

Angela: I was wondering if 13-year-old girls even know what “Material Girl” is?

Araceli: The only kids that should be developing a Juniors line are Tavi and Baby Suri.

Angela: Very true. Tavi is the ruler of tweens!

Stacey: Well, you know, the brand funding Lourdes/Madge is Iconix — responsible for Candie’s, which has Britney as a rep, and Bongo. I think their stock peaked in 2001.

Araceli: Bongo?! I did love them back in the day. Let’s begin with the floral strapless number.

Angela: Why does it look like she has to pee? Sorry, I should focus on the clothes.

Stacey: She’s had to pee since the ’80s, when these clothes were in style.

Angela: She also looks very confused. Is she drunk?

Araceli: What mother in their right mind would let their 14-year-old daughter wear such a short dress, and strapless!? Now, I’m not conservative at all, but this is a little much.

Angela: That’s exactly it. This is a juniors line and it’s the parents who will be paying for it…if I were a mom, I’d be like, “Honey, have you seen what the nice Hasidic girls are wearing these days?”

Stacey: The fabric fin around the hip is pretty hard to pull off, so luckily their target demo doesn’t have hips yet.

Araceli: This assumes she has the boobs to hold this dress up. Ay Dios!

Stacey: According to Glamour, grown women should show 40 percent of their skin for tasteful sex appeal (I’m not making this up)…. This is like 80 percent, on jailbait.

Araceli: This is something I’d see at Forever 21. I’d expect cooler coming from Madge’s daughter.

Stacey: I’d like to call attention to the “Like a Virgin” cross earring.

Araceli: She’s paying homage to her mommy. I’ve seen Lourdes out and about; she always looks stylish, never slutty.

Angela: I’d say she doesn’t have quite enough bracelets to really be a Material Girl.

Stacey: I think it’s cute that she’s emulating her mom, especially as this was the era before she was born, so it’s probably romanticized to her.

Araceli: I think they’re playing it too safe with these generic styles and cuts.

Stacey: Well, the line’s not mixing in any modern elements — except that, as a society, we now expect our teenagers to dress like tarts.

Angela: No, you’re right, Stacey, it is sweet. When I was seven, I wanted Madonna to be my mom and would wear purple lacy fingerless gloves… Lourdes is basically living my childhood fantasy.

Araceli: You wanted Madonna as a mom? Hells, no! I knew she was trouble from day one.

Stacey: Doesn’t Madonna raise Lourdes in a very strict, conservative way, though? She used to give interviews saying Lourdes wasn’t allowed to watch MTV or eat sugar. These clothes seem a bit…contrary to that. Maybe there’s a fashion loophole.

Araceli: They just want to make an easy buck.

Stacey: “Justify My Glove!”

Angela: No, you’re right. Madonna really did say she wanted Lourdes to be more conservative with her fashion.

Stacey: “The Power of Good-Buy!” You guys talk, I’ll just be over here making puns.

Araceli: Dress number 2 again is way too hookerish. Then again, this is Macy’s, not Gap Kids. I think I’ve seen Miley Cyrus in that dress. Oh, never mind, that was Miley’s little sister.

Angela: This look gets an A+ for bracelets.

Stacey: Are those stars and moons on the dress?

Angela: “Lucky Star”?

Stacey: NICE. Onto third look?

Araceli: Out of three sketches, the third passes, although it’s more teen than tween.

Stacey: “Cheaper and Cheaper!” There’s a whole lotta throwback going on in this look.

Araceli: I don’t care if I sound like Kathy Lee Gifford. I have a problem with the midriff.

Angela: Again, she really looks like she has to go to the bathroom. This must be a line for incontinent tweens. And isn’t this supposed to be a “Back to School” line? I don’t think this top would pass the dress code at most schools…

Araceli: I like the blazer with the polka-dot lining.

Stacey: It’s possible that these sketches are exaggerations — that the hemlines aren’t going to be so short, that the midriff isn’t so exposed — but the overall point is that Madonna and Lourdes have this as the ideal, and that says it all about their line.

Araceli: They’ve let me down.

Stacey: “Don’t Cry for Me, Margin-tina!” Like… marginal? This is getting hard. They could’ve called this collection “Borderline.” Oh, and mother and daughter are also launching fragrance and beauty lines in 2011!

Araceli: Lourdes should stick to her studies at LaGuardia High.

Angela: I wonder what the fragrance line will be called? “Smell Like a Virgin”?

Araceli: “Burning Up”

Stacey: “Spray of Light!”

Angela: Oooh…good one!

Araceli: If they have a clothing and fragrance line, they should definitely put out some sort of hand lotion to cure this.

Stacey: Cruuuuz. Low. I haz a sad now. 🙁

Araceli: My job here is done

Angela: Oh God, I can’t stop laughing. THE HAND!

Stacey: Tina Fey did make a joke about Madonna’s “Gollum arms” on 30 Rock.

Araceli: They can mix some of Lourdes’ youth into an oil, that’d cure it fast.

Stacey: You’re getting bad karma, Cruz. You should start studying Kaballah.