As if the Material Girl’s eldest spawn wasn’t busy enough with her new enrollment at LaGuardia High and her ever-changing parental visitations with her real poppa, step-poppa, and baby Jesus, little Lola, ahem, Lourdes, is also debuting a Juniors clothing line via Macy’s on August 3. On Wednesday the department store released sketches of a few looks. Prices range from $12 to $40 an item, but that’s not what got the attention of the Voice’s fashion crew.
Angela, Araceli, and Stacey, our resident wardrobe gurus, dive into the real matter at hand. Let’s take a listen:
Araceli: Before we begin to analyze the wonder that is Lourdes, can I just say that this is Madonna’s attempt to live on FOREVER. Lourdes is her clone.
Stacey: And the emphasis on florals is her desire to pollinate the world? This is your theory, not mine — I don’t want to hijack it. You know what my problem is with this line? I’m going to tell you. There are no bows! I was gonna make a REALLY AWESOME “La Isla Bow-nita” joke and now that’s ruined, ruined forever.
Angela: But, wait, I think there is one in the hair…in Look #3. You can make your joke now!
Stacey: Oooooh. It’s like “La Isla Bow-nita” over here! WIN.
Araceli: Madonna is just looking to stay relevant with all age groups. This stinks!
Stacey: Unfortunately there is no peach, so “Papa Don’t Peach” was D.O.A.
Angela: I was wondering if 13-year-old girls even know what “Material Girl” is?
Araceli: The only kids that should be developing a Juniors line are Tavi and Baby Suri.
Angela: Very true. Tavi is the ruler of tweens!
Stacey: Well, you know, the brand funding Lourdes/Madge is Iconix — responsible for Candie’s, which has Britney as a rep, and Bongo. I think their stock peaked in 2001.
Araceli: Bongo?! I did love them back in the day. Let’s begin with the floral strapless number.
Angela: Why does it look like she has to pee? Sorry, I should focus on the clothes.
Stacey: She’s had to pee since the ’80s, when these clothes were in style.
Angela: She also looks very confused. Is she drunk?
Araceli: What mother in their right mind would let their 14-year-old daughter wear such a short dress, and strapless!? Now, I’m not conservative at all, but this is a little much.
Angela: That’s exactly it. This is a juniors line and it’s the parents who will be paying for it…if I were a mom, I’d be like, “Honey, have you seen what the nice Hasidic girls are wearing these days?”
Stacey: The fabric fin around the hip is pretty hard to pull off, so luckily their target demo doesn’t have hips yet.
Araceli: This assumes she has the boobs to hold this dress up. Ay Dios!
Stacey: According to Glamour, grown women should show 40 percent of their skin for tasteful sex appeal (I’m not making this up)…. This is like 80 percent, on jailbait.
Araceli: This is something I’d see at Forever 21. I’d expect cooler coming from Madge’s daughter.
Stacey: I’d like to call attention to the “Like a Virgin” cross earring.
Araceli: She’s paying homage to her mommy. I’ve seen Lourdes out and about; she always looks stylish, never slutty.
Angela: I’d say she doesn’t have quite enough bracelets to really be a Material Girl.
Stacey: I think it’s cute that she’s emulating her mom, especially as this was the era before she was born, so it’s probably romanticized to her.
Araceli: I think they’re playing it too safe with these generic styles and cuts.
Stacey: Well, the line’s not mixing in any modern elements — except that, as a society, we now expect our teenagers to dress like tarts.
Angela: No, you’re right, Stacey, it is sweet. When I was seven, I wanted Madonna to be my mom and would wear purple lacy fingerless gloves… Lourdes is basically living my childhood fantasy.
Araceli: You wanted Madonna as a mom? Hells, no! I knew she was trouble from day one.
Stacey: Doesn’t Madonna raise Lourdes in a very strict, conservative way, though? She used to give interviews saying Lourdes wasn’t allowed to watch MTV or eat sugar. These clothes seem a bit…contrary to that. Maybe there’s a fashion loophole.
Araceli: They just want to make an easy buck.
Stacey: “Justify My Glove!”
Angela: No, you’re right. Madonna really did say she wanted Lourdes to be more conservative with her fashion.
Stacey: “The Power of Good-Buy!” You guys talk, I’ll just be over here making puns.
Araceli: Dress number 2 again is way too hookerish. Then again, this is Macy’s, not Gap Kids. I think I’ve seen Miley Cyrus in that dress. Oh, never mind, that was Miley’s little sister.
Angela: This look gets an A+ for bracelets.
Stacey: Are those stars and moons on the dress?
Angela: “Lucky Star”?
Stacey: NICE. Onto third look?
Araceli: Out of three sketches, the third passes, although it’s more teen than tween.
Stacey: “Cheaper and Cheaper!” There’s a whole lotta throwback going on in this look.
Araceli: I don’t care if I sound like Kathy Lee Gifford. I have a problem with the midriff.
Angela: Again, she really looks like she has to go to the bathroom. This must be a line for incontinent tweens. And isn’t this supposed to be a “Back to School” line? I don’t think this top would pass the dress code at most schools…
Araceli: I like the blazer with the polka-dot lining.
Stacey: It’s possible that these sketches are exaggerations — that the hemlines aren’t going to be so short, that the midriff isn’t so exposed — but the overall point is that Madonna and Lourdes have this as the ideal, and that says it all about their line.
Araceli: They’ve let me down.
Stacey: “Don’t Cry for Me, Margin-tina!” Like… marginal? This is getting hard. They could’ve called this collection “Borderline.” Oh, and mother and daughter are also launching fragrance and beauty lines in 2011!
Araceli: Lourdes should stick to her studies at LaGuardia High.
Angela: I wonder what the fragrance line will be called? “Smell Like a Virgin”?
Araceli: “Burning Up”
Stacey: “Spray of Light!”
Angela: Oooh…good one!
Araceli: If they have a clothing and fragrance line, they should definitely put out some sort of hand lotion to cure this.
Stacey: Cruuuuz. Low. I haz a sad now. 🙁
Araceli: My job here is done
Angela: Oh God, I can’t stop laughing. THE HAND!
Stacey: Tina Fey did make a joke about Madonna’s “Gollum arms” on 30 Rock.
Araceli: They can mix some of Lourdes’ youth into an oil, that’d cure it fast.
Stacey: You’re getting bad karma, Cruz. You should start studying Kaballah.