Today, Time asks a very important question for the ages: “Is King Tut’s Penis Missing?” It seems that Jo Marchant, who was researching the possibility that Tut suffered from Antley-Bixler syndrome (which lends physical effects like elongated skulls and “even under-developed genitalia”), discovered that, lo and behold, Tut’s genitalia wasn’t there at all. But it was there in 1922, and even in 2006, although it had become detached in that period of time. (Note the benefit of having things attached: They are less easy to lose.)
I smelled a conspiracy. Could ancient Egyptian embalmers have replaced the royal member to hide the fact that their king’s manhood was somewhat lacking? What’s more, the front of Tut’s chest is missing, so it’s impossible to check whether he did indeed have breasts. Was this part of the mummy’s anatomy sabotaged too?
So, did someone out there actually take Tut’s penis and hide it so as to keep his possible underwhelming size a secret? And if so, what did they do with it? Not to mention, did someone destroy evidence of his man-boobs? Come forward and let us know. This sort of knowledge could bring a previously unknown sense of peace to the “small-statured” and “large-breasted” fellows among us. (See: King Tut was just like us!)
In other shockers, it turns out that Cleopatra may not have clasped an asp to her bosom to commit suicide at all. A German historian and professor at the University of Trier says,
“She probably took a cocktail of opium, hemlock, and aconitum. Back then this was a well-known mixture that led to a painless death within just a few hours whereas the snake death could have taken days and been agonising.”
Golly, and they say the Internet’s dead in the summer!