Here is a rather awesomely cringeworthy video in which Halstead Realty attempts to woo LeBron James to New York City (and find him a house) via their Every King Needs a Castle Proposal. It’s one part that instructional video they make you watch when you’re called to jury duty (except with a real estate theme), one part New York City tourism spot, and one part Sesame Street for the shelter set. Halstead honcho/actual real-life basketball fan Diane Ramirez stars along with “New York Basketball Icon John Starks,” and, let’s just say, stick with the day jobs, guys. (That bit at the end, that was cute.)
Halstead’s PR flacks write:
We are so taken by Lebron’s philanthropic efforts and community outreach that we will donate our full company portion of the commission from the purchase of his home, which could amount to over six figures, to the charity of his choice. As a result, we can make a difference both on and off the court.
Which is a nice sentiment at all, but ignores a basic, tried-and-true principle of getting what you want, particularly with basketball-playing men. Play hard to get! This video is just one of many incidences with that boring old LeBron character (is he really so great, anyway?) in which we are just trying too freaking hard. Listen, there’s nothing more off-putting than the sweet smell of desperation. Even if in your heart of hearts you know you’re desperate, hide it! For the love of God, don’t make a video showcasing it. Didn’t your mothers teach you anything?
According to Halstead’s listings, castles for kings, which start at $1 million and go to just over $25 million, are located in such royalty-ridden locales as Chelsea, the Upper East Side, the West Village, and Darien, Greenwich, and New Canaan, Connecticut — as well as pretty much everywhere else in Manhattan. Somehow we’re doubting that LeBron is going to go with a 1 bedroom in Murray Hill, even if it does have a very reasonable maintenance, but you never know.