The Wonder Woman Makeover, or When Bad Things Happen to Superheroes


Imagine our excitement when we learned that our dear Wonder Woman of the awesome star-speckled short shorts and bullet-busting arm wristlet-thingies and sexy-yet-rugged bustier (plus, calf-high go-go/shit-kickers!) was to get a makeover. Because, she already looked pretty great, if a scratch retro. She could only look better, right? Especially with a haircut and blowout, maybe some bangs? Unfortunately, no.

Inspired by the desire to make her costume “less revealing,” and to “shine a critical and creative spotlight on the heroine,” DC Comics has dressed her in what appear to be jeggings (oh, holy no, Batman!), along with a tacky/clashy yellow-gold belt and sash (the better for catching on doorknobs and railroad tracks), a skin-tight red sateen booby-shirt from the Brothels of JC Penney collection (strapless, too, so we hope she has a supportive underwire), and some ugly-ass ankle boots with either gold straps or socks. Topped off with a crop denim-or-navy shoulder-padded jacket with epaulet-style buttons? We’d say at least her hair looks better, but it could use a good brushing.

Not only did they dress Wonder Woman up like some semblance of a Bratz Doll, they changed her biography altogether — so confusing for the poor woman, who, we figure, already has plenty enough to deal with.

Per the New York Times,

In the reimagining of her story, Wonder Woman, instead of growing up on Paradise Island with her mother, Queen Hippolyta, and her Amazon sisters, is smuggled out as a baby when unknown forces destroy her home and slaughter its inhabitants.

There we go, always wanting to change the things that were working in the first place while we ignore the big issues. Like, Captain Underpants. There’s a guy who needs a shopping spree. And speaking of underpants, how are they going to make this new outfit into Underoos? Also, won’t she sweat a lot?

As the Times continues,

The new look — with an understated “W” insignia, a midnight blue jacket and a flinty fusion of black tights and boots — is darker than the famed swimsuit-style outfit, and aims to be contemporary, functional and, as Tim Gunn of Project Runway might say, less costumey.

(Tim Gunn, by the way, loves the original Spider-Man costume, so we’re doubting he’s going to fall in favor of this new ‘do for Wonder Woman.)

But regardless, any walk down the hipper streets of New York City will tell you that costumey is far, far better than off-the-rack Juniors Department, at least for a grown woman. Next thing you know, Superman will be dressing like Jon Gosselin.

Then again, maybe this is just nostalgia talking. Tell us, are we wrong?