The disgraced former governor of Illinois, Rod Blagojevich, is a monumental dumbass. Not that you didn’t already understand this from his appearance on NBC’s reality television trainwreck I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here!, but yeah, this guy had his phone wiretapped by the FBI, and — as Vanity Fair‘s Juli Weiner points out via the Chicago Tribune, then proceeded to say stupidly, absurdly incriminating things to former Illinois deputy governor Doug Scofield. For example:
On potential gigs for him after he’s done with being governor, Part One:
BLAGOJEVICH U.N. Ambassador. I’d take that.
BLAGOJEVICH You Russian motherfuckers. Can you see me? (Laughs) Alright, anyway, um, but those are not reachable.
Ha. That’s a Sarah Palin joke, isn’t it? That’s a funny Sarah Palin joke. Or it’s a Polish joke. I’m not sure. But it’s funny!
On gifting the family:
BLAGOJEVICH But, you know (Sighs) I told my nephew Alex, he just turned 26 today. I said Alex, you know, I call him for his birthday and I says it’s just too bad you’re not four years older ’cause I could a given you a U.S. Senate seat for your birthday.
BLAGOJEVICH You know what I mean?
SCOFIELD (Laughs) Yeah.
On potential gigs for him after he’s done with being governor, Part Two:
BLAGOJEVICH I mean I, I’ve got this thing and it’s fucking…golden.
BLAGOJEVICH And I, I’m just not giving it up for fucking nothing. I’m, I’m not going to do it and I, I can always parach-, use it and fuckin’ parachute me there. I talked to Fred about that. You know, there’s life after that if I do it.
SCOFIELD What did Fred say?
BLAGOJEVICH Yeah, you know, y-, you’d, you’d have to say you’re not gonna run again. But, but then you’ve set yourself up and there’s life after that. You can make, you, you can be viable.
On how awesome Obama is, and knowing what a hard fall looks like:
BLAGOJEVICH…there is nothing I coulda done about Obama. Nothing. Right? Other than like you say, keep him from speaking at the convention which is not, a-, anything that ever crossed my mind at all. It never does. Huh?
SCOFIELD Yeah, but, I, I think there’s literally…
BLAGOJEVICH I mean you got this historic, fucking demi-god. He’s a demi-god now. At least for now. You follow me?
SCOFIELD Yeah and they fall the hardest. But, you’re right. At least for now, he is. But that’s for now.
BLAGOJEVICH And, you know, the Clintons couldn’t stop him. But there’s nothin’ I could have done, the timing, nothin’. There’s nothin’, right?
BLAGOJEVICH I mean, something’s really fucked up in my head Doug.
On potential gigs for him after he’s done with being governor, Part Three:
BLAGOJEVICH I mean, I could be and I could sti-, end up still maybe delivering pizzas somewhere. Maybe that’s where my destiny is, right? And I’m over here fucking, where I could make myself a U.S. senator for this job, for that job for two years. Or stay on as governor. I don’t know but what that’s like but, and, you know, the president of the United States is somebody I know.
And yes, as Weiner pointed out: there’s audio. Audio. It’s that great.