New York’s Wild Kingdom Is Going Batshit: Child-Eating Coyotes, Rabid Racoons, Sexin’ Birds


Animals have gone wild! New York’s furry and feathered are suddenly acting like the worst of humans. Good thing they can’t speak or give the finger because they’d be shit-talking like Mel Gibson and flipping off women and children like uncouth New Jersey drivers on Fourth of July weekend.

In Westchester, coyotes attacked a six-year-old and a three-year-old within a four-day span. Now, “Shoot to kill” is the policy for Rye police regarding coyotes (hopefully only coyotes). The worst part is, according to NBC New York, some experts think they’re becoming conditioned not to fear humans in a bizarre, if slight, shift of the food chain.

“We have to recondition them,” Kevin Clarke, a wildlife biologist with the state Department of Environmental Conservation, told NBC New York. “When you see coyotes, do not simply tolerate them. Take a couple of steps towards them if you need to, make loud noises, use an air-horn. Do not take your children and run into the house. Make the coyotes have some fear of humans.”

Do not take your children and run into the house? They’re children-eating beasts. It’s a victory to make it safely back into the house without peeing your pants or getting rabies. And why would they be afraid of us? Their teeth are so much sharper.

Westchester is the primary coyote danger-zone, though they’ve been known to visit Manhattan. But right now, the Big Apple’s threat-du-jour is racoons — rabid ones — in Central Park. “An outbreak of rabid raccoons that began with 10 cases in December has skyrocketed to 114 this year, new city statistics show,” according to the Daily News.

“It’s like Central Park in the ’70s when you had to be fearful of people — now you have to be fearful of raccoons,” said Manhattan teacher Meg McDonnell.

No one’s been attacked since winter, but watch out, they’re lurking. At least they don’t know how to use weapons, yet.

Then there are deer, typically well-behaved and mild-mannered. Not yesterday, when two got stuck trespassing in a Target parking lot in the Bronx. Target logos … Bambi’s mom … no wonder they were freaked.

Finally, we have the endangered Waldrapp ibis in the Bronx Zoo. Well, they’re really not misbehaving, but their sexual exploits made headlines today after zookeepers piped sexy bird noises — the avian equivalent of Barry White — into their home to set the mood. And it worked! After a seven-year dry spell, the birds hatched six offspring from three sets of parents. Reportedly, the birds were less moody, more relaxed, and had a certain glow about them …

So teams of scientists can’t develop Viagra for ladies, but Bronx zookeepers can help birds get it on by playing a soundtrack? Whatever, at least the Waldrapps aren’t gnawing on kids or terrorizing Central Park like the rest of the New York animal kingdom.