Queen Elizabeth Visits NYC, Is Impervious to the Elements


Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth dropped by New York yesterday for her third official visit to the city as queen (after visiting Canada for nine days — and we only got five hours — what’s up with that?). She spoke at the U.N., went to Ground Zero, and did a memorial service for British citizens killed on 9/11 at Hanover Square in the Financial District. All while wearing literally the least appropriate outfit ever for 100 degree weather, and not breaking a sweat. Is she human?

A quick Google image search for “Queen Elizabeth sweating” yielded plenty of pics of H.M. The Queen, but none of her with that tell-tale glisten. What is her secret?

The New York Times confirms: “Not a bead of sweat on her face, Elizabeth inched her way past an honor guard.” Paula Berry, of Brooklyn, is quoted as claiming to have even “felt a breeze off her.” We spent most of yesterday replacing the five gallons of fluids lost in sweat, so we’re not sure how she does it. We have a few theories, though.

First of all, it could be that the British royal family are just superhuman, or at least of hardier stock than the rest of us. Take the Queen Mother, for example. She lived to be 101 and consistently kicked ass till the very end. Elizabeth is now 84 and seems pretty damn spry, especially if she’s still out there doing state visits.

Another theory is that she has a special cooling system under her clothes. Elizabeth appeared yesterday in a sort of floral suit getup evocative of lawn tennis and scones. She was also in a pretty large hat, and gloves. Under the hat, she may have had an elaborate, tiny air conditioner (battery-run). Under the suit, advanced heat-wicking technology? In the gloves…a bunch of ice cubes?

Or, as a Briton, Elizabeth could have some kind of resistance to the dreaded Tudor-era “sweating sickness.” “The disease, unlike the plague, was not especially fatal to the poor, but rather, as Caius affirms, attacked the richer sort” — looking at you, royal family! Perhaps they built up defenses against it and kind of overcompensated, thereby not being able to sweat AT ALL, a new plague by which the modern royals are afflicted.

Finally, it could be that world leaders simply don’t sweat, at all. Maybe, in private, they pant, like dogs? Or wallow in mud, like pigs? We may never know.