Gay is the New Black: Teen Vogue Presents Season’s New “Must-Have Accessory”


Breaking: Teen Vogue has found the answer to the biggest girl predicament in the history of girl predicaments, and, no, it’s not Birkin bags for everyone, it’s Gays! Aside from being borderline offensive throughout — gays are, like, so hot right now! — the article documenting this crazy revelation in “GBFs” (Gay Best Friends) doesn’t even consider the opinions of one half of the demographic it claims to be covering: the Gays. So we asked some NYCGs (New York City Gays) and their BFWHTBG (Best Friends Who Happen To Be Girls) what they think about the mystifying new “trends” and Teen Vogue‘s investigative reporting.

Trend #1. Girls Want GBFs Because It’s Trendy

The first credible source for this article, “Mimi,” told Teen Vogue,

“‘A few years ago, all the popular, pretty girls were walking hand in hand with a preppy jock. Now you’ll see them in hallways with a Mulberry bag on one arm and a Johnny Weir look-alike on the other.”

“How progressive of them — the underlying subtext of female empowerment is a nice touch,” said Jake Goicoechea, NYCG and, in fact, former Teen Vogue intern. “Obviously, I don’t liken myself as an accessory — especially not one compared to Johnny Weir.”

Alex Pack, resident NYCG, confirmed what every other rational person is already thinking: “I’m a person, not an accessory! I wouldn’t be friends with someone who treated me like that.”

Trend #2. GBFs Are Better Friends/People Than Girls

Even Editor in Chief Amy Astley added her two cents at the end of the piece:

“We girls compare ourselves to one another, and it can just get a bit…intense. Thank goodness for gay best friends. I treasure my GBFs — I live in New York City; I have many, many! — because they are noncompetitive and nonjudgmental,” [seriously? Not one bit?] “and we make each other feel accepted and cherished.”

Viveca Tress, a student at NYU, a school known to have a large gay population, said, “Being friends with gays can be less stressful and more stressful at the same time. You’re bound to run into conflicts with anyone you spend enough time with.”

Goicoechea added, “My friendships with girls don’t rely on the ‘no competition’ gay-guy/straight-girl dynamic. We’re friends because we have common interests and stuff — the same way I’m friends with anyone else.”

Trend #3. Girls Will Always Fight With Each Other

Even if the GBF is the answer to raging competition between girls, it apparently doesn’t come without its own conflicts. The Blissful GBF Equation can totally backfire if you’re not careful!

“Mimi, for example, recently noticed that while many girls at school don’t get competitive with their GBFs, they do get territorial over their GBFs,” the article said. “‘There’s a guy who’s so in demand within this one social circle that girls will literally get jealous if he spends a night out with someone else,’ she says. ‘They used to get guy-crazy; now they get gay-crazy. It’s become more of a gay-boyfriend situation.'”

As for this, Viveca Tress graces us with unheard of insight: “Sure, I can get jealous sometimes if a gay best friend is hanging out with someone other than me, but that would go with anyone who was my best friend. It’s not that competition between girls doesn’t exist, it’s just not the root of all their friendships with gays.”

And Courtney Bush, another NYU student with myriad gay friends, has somehow managed to find girlfriends who aren’t, like, totally back-stabbing bitches: “My friendships with girls aren’t that different from my friendships with gays. I guess girls take longer to get ready? Wait…”

Trend #4. Attempt to Save Face of Teen Vogue Article

The first attempt is made by “Katie,” who told Teen Vogue,

“I hate all the tired tropes perpetuated by the media. My best friend, Brett, isn’t some super-fabulous style consultant that I take shopping and sing show tunes with.”

Unfortunately, that quote is overshadowed by the link at the bottom of the article, “Check out the GBF Hall of Fame that Totally Perpetrates This Stereotype!”

The second is the last line of the Editorial Note by Amy Astley (who clearly saw that the article had issues, published it anyway, and tried to salvage it in a final paragraph),

“If you are lucky enough to have a GBF in your life, enjoy the lovefest but remember to fight for his rights to be treated equally in our society.”

Thanks, Astley; I’ll be sure to pen my senator about how horrifyingly generalized Gays (and Girls!) are in the media after this splendid example of investigative journalism. (Trend #5: Teen Vogue apology forthcoming?)