If only the public humiliation had ended with that Fire Crotch moniker, dear LiLo’s troubles would’ve been so yesteryear. But now that the synthetically swollen-lipped Mean Girl is being sentenced to 90 days in the slammer for probation violation, we’re actually chortling like the Pillsbury Dough Boy (along with Avril Lavigne and that waitress who punched her last week on her 24th birthday). Why? Because Lindsay has been stagnant in a slimy larva stage for way too long while the world waits for her to become a full-fledged butterfly and escape her own Vortex of Suck.
But we’re no fools! Her spending time behind iron bars doesn’t mean she’ll wake up from her Red Bull/Kombucha-induced coma. After all, the fact that she gave the hand to Celeb Rehab and Celebrity Apprentice and said yes to a reality show starring her parasitic doormat of a mother Dina and younger siblings doesn’t bode well. “I want to prove that we are a good, hardworking family and we don’t have the crazy lives that some people claim we do,” Mommy Dearest told the New York Post in late June. Hmmm…going buck-wacky on Fudgie the Whale because you can’t get free ice cream doesn’t sound too normal to us, lady.
Anyway, we’re crossing our fingers that Lindsay will take this short stint of incarceration (word is her 90 days will be reduced to a mere 23) and turn it into something productive and positive for the betterment of her and society.
Here are our top suggestions for LiLo:
1. Develop a unique cornrows look.
2. Create a rapport with her inmates by designing neon orange leggings that match the color of their uniforms.
3. Decide on whether she wants to go part-time or full-time lesbian.
4. Write a memoir on her drug abuse and prison experience and call it A Hundred Little Pieces. Thank James Frey for the inspiration.
5. Devise a plan to ship both her parents to Afghanistan.
6. Create an iPhone app where you play Lindsay as she maneuvers through an obstacle course of bongs and beer bottles to get to Sam Ronson.
Got any ideas? What other ways can Miss Lohan spend her time in the clink?