Don’t you just get all riled up when politicians impose on the rights of our population’s most discriminated demographic, Pale People? The Washington Post reports that, in fact, some people actually do. Cries of “reverse racism” are ringing in response to Obama’s tax on cancer boxes because, apparently, Caucasians are the only ethnicity stupid enough to use them, thereby violating their rights to equal protection under the law. We just want to know, on a scale of 1 to Snooki, which underprivileged celebrities will feel this oppression most? A gallery.
1. John McCain
In a recent correspondence with our nation’s resident Princess of Tawny, Snooki Polizzi, via Twitter (!), the former presidential contender expressed that the Tan Tax was quite “The Situation.” Well, so is reverse racism, and considering Arizona’s policies regarding discrimination and that jungle gym thing they got going on at their border, we think he’ll get especially heated on this issue — just not from the UV rays of a tanning bed.
2. Tara Reid
Poor Tara. She feels all sorts of oppression — from faulty plastic surgery and “doughnut mastopexy” to the burden of Has-Been Syndrome. With medical bills to pay and an uncertain income, now she’ll have to face the stormy weather ahead with more expensive tanning costs.
3. Lindsay Lohan
Just kidding! Bad joke.*
*She can’t tan anymore because she’s in the slammer. Get it?
4. George Hamilton
Having come out with his own line of tanning skin-care products in the ’80s, a large portion of Mr. Tan-ilton’s livelihood has been based around synthetic UV rays, as has a lot of his most recent media attention. So as not to be left in the shadows, so to speak, he should speak out against this under-handing of his sustenance.
5. Paris Hilton
We just don’t know how American socialite, heiress, media personality, model, singer, songwriter, author, fashion designer, actress, and great-granddaughter of Conrad Hilton will handle the economic burden Obama is imposing on fake tanning. She may have to resort to coaxing a producer into resurrecting the plan for House of Wax II.
6. Jennifer Aniston
Battling the scathing tabloid headlines without leathery-thick skin will be hard. But, actually, it’s probably too late for her to worry about that.
Don’t fret all you tanorexics among us — Snooki is leading the way in tanning-bed alternatives. But however you tan, as John McCain reminds us: Don’t forget your sunscreen!