Healthcare

Groundbreaking New Shapewear for Guy Parts Makes Us Very Nervous Indeed

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Since we have kind of a problem with women’s shapewear (where does the fat goooo? And what happens when you take off said shapewear and reveal your actual shape to the prying eyes of the public?), you’d probably assume we feel the same way about men’s shapewear. And you’d be wrong, because we feel even worse about it! For this reason: Not only do men now have shapewear to hide unsightly man-boobs and flab rolls, some person — people, even: Andrew Christian, BumGear, Joe Snyder, Gregg Homme, and Calvin Klein — have created a new line of shapewear specially for “down there.” Yep, to make your Johnson emerge in the best possible light.

Makers compare these wonderful new undies to push-up bras for ladies, but the problem is, while many men are indeed attracted by large, heaving bosoms, most women aren’t similarly attracted to large, heaving man-parts, at least not out on the street or in the office in front of everybody and God. Certain things, indeed, are better left to the imagination, and/or to the bedroom (or wherever the kids are doing it these days).

If this is any indication of what this stuff can do, well, we’re a bit scared. Lifting and separating, indeed! And, no, this is not okay either. Stay away from anything named Squeem.