We were just checking Madonna and her daughter’s blog today, like we do every day, and got to thinking: Who does Lourdes write like? David Foster Wallace? F. Scott Fitzgerald? The answer is actually Kurt Vonnegut.
Well, that’s what I Write Like, the site where you can copy and paste your drivel into a box and be told you write like James Joyce, came up with. Apparently, the inane 14-year-old daughter of a pop star shares many literary qualities with the author of Slaughterhouse Five and Cat’s Cradle. Let’s compare!
Today, Lourdes issued the following:
Im going to East London in the next days, to this area called Bricklane, to get some more vintage — cuz you can never have to much vintagy-thrifty looking stuff. And also in the Material Girl collection, there’s gonna be a whole area of like one of a kind vintage things! HOLLA. Anyway… so I’m gonna bring my camera to East London and take pictures of cool looking people and come off as weird cuz I’m gonna ask people to like stand still so I can take pics of them… but it will be LOL so yeah.
In 1969’s Slaughterhouse-Five, Vonnegut writes:
The most important thing I learned on Tralfamadore was that when a person dies he only appears to die. He is still very much alive in the past, so it is very silly for people to cry at his funeral. All moments, past, present and future, always have existed, always will exist. The Tralfamadorians can look at all the different moments just that way we can look at a stretch of the Rocky Mountains, for instance. They can see how permanent all the moments are, and they can look at any moment that interests them. It is just an illusion we have here on Earth that one moment follows another one, like beads on a string, and that once a moment is gone it is gone forever.
Like two peas in a pod!
Lourdes entered our literary consciousness with the following, dated June 29:
OK but no joke gladiator sandals are OUT. They came out in summer 2008 and I was like, ok those are really cute. Then 2009 comes around and people are still wearing them so I’m like, ok whatever it’s just a phase. BUT NOOOOO. Because good old 2010 is now coming along and people are STILL wearing them, and then I was just like OK NO! It’s been three years people COME ON!!!!!!!!! I’m just like what????
Not to be outdone, Vonnegut responds in 1973’s Breakfast of Champions:
I shrunk the Universe to a ball exactly one light-year in diameter. I had it explode. I had it disperse itself again.
Ask me a question, any question. How old is the Universe? It is one half-second old, but the half-second has lasted one quintillion years so far. Who created it? Nobody created it. It has always been here.
What is time? It is a serpent which eats its tail, like this:
This is the snake which uncoiled itself long enough to offer Eve the apple, which looked like this:
What was the apple which Eve and Adam ate? It was the Creator of the Universe.
And so on.
The similarity is uncanny.