Since, as Us Weekly informed us all (including, apparently, Sarah Palin) yesterday, Levi Johnson has finally offered to make an honest woman of Bristol Palin — and Bristol has accepted! — we’re been wondering: How does Levi’s proposal fare in light of all of the impressive proposal efforts we’ve seen of late (trained clowns, graffiti artists, boy bands)? And what’s our star-crossed couple’s chance of making it, anyway? We’ve employed the super-scientific Runnin’ Scared engagement analyzer to give us an inkling of the odds.
Creativity of Proposal: (0). Sorry. Levi went with the tired “flowers all over the room/rose petals in the shape of a heart on the bed” tactic, straight off the Lifetime Network. 2 points, however, for being able to convincingly arrange rose petals in the shape of a human organ. Even though he’s done this whole engagement thing once before (-2).
Suppleness: He was able to get down on one knee and everything! (+10). And, he’s 20 (+10, but, oh, -10). But, Sarah was only 24 when she married Todd, and they’re still together…Draw.
Suaveness: No hesitation during proposal (+5); blushing when engagement is discussed on camera (-3).
Previous Rotten Behaviors That Must Be Withstood: -10 for talking shit about his baby mamma and fam after a) getting her knocked up and b) their first engagement going south.
Historical Precedence: See above, below (-10).
Remorse: He admits his wrongdoing, especially “not being there” for his 18-month-son, and is keen to “make it right.” (+20)
Veracity of Afore-Mentioned Remorse: God only knows.
Willingness to Go Along With Us Weekly Engagement Announcement and Interviews: -50
Kathy Griffin: -20
Overall Chances of This Thing Enduring: At 20 and 19, respectively, the happy couple is still not of legal drinking age. One really needs to drink for an effective marriage (-10). Also, they’re now both about to be related to Sarah Palin (-20). But, hey, you know it’s right when it feels right “when you’re takin’ a car ride, watchin’ TV, or just fishin’ together!”
Whatever, we’re suckers for love (+100, for a fightin’ chance): Best of luck, you crazy kids!