New “Shroud of Turin” Discovered in Harlem, Kind of Looks Like a Dementor


Yesterday in Harlem, a divine message was bestowed upon this city, in the form of a misshapen cut-off tree branch. A blogger from Harlem Condo Life was on his way to a music festival in Morningside Park when he encountered the holy shape of a robed Druid-like figure, which is, obviously, Jesus.

How does the Shroud of Harlem compare to the real Shroud of Turin (the cloth which is supposed to have been Jesus’ burial shroud, and which apparently bears his likeness)? We asked the hard questions.

Which one looks more like Jesus?
Neither. Neither one looks like Jesus.

Which one is more likely to be manmade?
Probably the Shroud of Turin. It’s doubtful that anyone’s going around scratching a tree so it looks like J.C., even a “blogger” on his way to a “music festival” (we’ve all heard that one). But there’s actually debate over whether the Shroud of Turin even comes from the Jesus era. Plus, a bunch of nuns patched it up in the 16th century, so who knows what happened there.

Why do Jesus and the Virgin Mary’s face keep popping up on trees and toast and stuff?
The Lord works in mysterious ways. Another answer is that none of these things actually look anything like the people they’re supposed to look like.

Is this some kind of sign that Harlem is blessed? Or perhaps NYC in general?
No, this is a discolored tree.

The mystery remains. If anyone has any information on or has had any mystical visions about the Shroud of Harlem, let us know.