Lindsay Lohan Will Use Off-Brand Deodorant in Jail, and Other Media Speculations

Lindsay Lohan is in the big house (see: clink, slammer) for the next couple weeks. Question is, what the heck is she gonna do in there? And how is she feeling? Many people, it seems, are devoting a lot of mental energy to these very important questions. Everyone agrees that Lindsay will be mostly in solitary for 22-23 hours a day, that she will be bored, and that it will suck.

Here’s what three top Lindsay Lohan think-tanks predict for LiLo’s stint:

MTV.com

Over at MTV, they’ve rounded up a “panel of legal experts” who say that Lindsay will be in her own private cell and “will be protected.”

Also: “‘She’s definitely more scared than she’s ever been in her life this morning,’ said Leemon, who is not involved in the case but has been following it in the news.” Sounds definitive! Leemon is one Scott Lemon, a NYC lawyer “whose client list includes Busta Rhymes, 50 Cent, Young Jeezy, and Tony Yayo.”

MTV News failed to talk to anyone who is actually involved with Lindsay’s case, opting instead for Lil Wayne’s attorney and somebody who defended Michael Jackson against child molestation charges. Next!

People

According to People, Lindsay and other new inmates are referred to as “fish.” This is a joke, right? It has to be.

Otherwise, things sound generically terrible. The deodorant they give you is not name brand! Lindsay will not be able to smoke or Tweet! They’re going to take out her hair extensions! But the worst: the inmates “watch I Love Lucy, Wheel of Fortune, and a local news channel all day long.” That does sound awful.

The Daily Beast

The Daily Beast recruited that Piper Kerman lady (the one who went to prison and wrote a memoir about it) to speculate blindly about what Lindsay will experience in jail. Well, I guess Kerman was in prison for 11 months, so the speculation is not totally blind, but anyway!

Some money shots:

• Lindsay has likely already been “subjected to a strip search (the ‘squat and cough’).” What does that mean? Squat and cough?…Oh.
• This is what they chose as the pullquote: “Lonely, she may choose to ‘talk on the vents’ to the other prisoners by whispering into the air ducts, a common practice in many facilities.”
• “For those of us lucky enough not to struggle daily with insanity, the worst part of jail time is the utter boredom.” Let’s count our blessings.
• Why jail is bad: “Jails are crowded, chaotic, dirty places, and people would always arrive at ‘real prison’ from county or city jails disheveled, and with profound relief on their faces.” Relief? Because they’re arriving at prison?

Well, there you have it, folks. Lindsay will spend the next few days “talking on the vents,” using generic toiletries, and feeling lucky that she does not struggle daily with insanity (well…). See you in two weeks, Linds!