Losing something is frustrating, losing an expensive something is incredibly frustrating, and losing an expensive something especially when you know someone took it from you is the most frustrating thing of all. Which is why this copywriter’s ad seeking his bike is so utterly refreshing:
Because all you really want to do, besides get your stolen property back, is call the person who took it an “assmaster” and offer a $1,000 reward for said thief’s “nads on a stick.” Which, via AdFreak, copywriter Matt O’Rourke did on Craigslist:
Some assmaster stole my custom made, heavy, rusty Bologna bike at 10th & C last night.
I’ll give anyone who returns it $500 cash, no questions asked. I’ll also give $1k for the thief’s nads on a stick. Yes way.
It’s been passed on from generation to generation in my family for almost 3,000 years.
I’d really like to give it to my son some day. And if you’re the thief, and you’re reading this, please give it back. I’ll give you the five hundred bucks.
If you don’t, I will call Dog the Bounty Hunter, Bobba Fett, and Bear Gryls, and they will have a 3 way, and that 3 way will produce a son, and that son will be raised by Tito Ortiz, and on his 18th birthday, he and I will come to your house, and fuck your shit up. Thank you for your time.
Apparently, Cralglist founder Craig Newmark is also a fan of O’Rourke’s post. Hopefully it’ll help get his bike back. It probably won’t. But maybe these pictures will! The one at the top of this post, click to enlarge it. Seen that bike? Please tell Matt! Don’t be an assmaster. If there’s anything the world needs less of, it’s assmasters.
This article from the Village Voice Archive was posted on July 23, 2010