Subway Rant: Keep Your Music in Your Ears, Not Ours!


Every once in a while (okay, maybe more than that), something really annoys us. Often, it’s on the subway, because, let’s face it, that’s where a lot of annoying shit goes down. We’re not talking about blaring headphone seepage or full-body-against-pole offenses — at least those assholes are oblivious. We’re talking about the teenage/early twentysomethings who walk onto the train and treat their cell phones like an ’80s boom box, openly blasting their ditties for the rest of our ears to bleed.

We silently curse them with all our might — perhaps some of us even give them the stink-eye — but in the end, we let them do it, spineless commuters that we are. But don’t give up; there are some creative, harmless ways to stop these subway offenders.

1) Walk up in front of them and shout out: “Ladies and gentlemen, it’s SHOW TIME!” and take a crack at your best breakdancing moves.

2) Weakly smile with compassion and offer them your spare change.

3) Wail like a baby (i.e., Oprah’s “ugly cry”) and point at them while rocking back and forth.

4) Go to the nearest pole and start pole dancing with a creepy smile while staring at them the entire time.

5) Strut like a rooster with your hands behind your back and walk around them in circles.

Have you been a victim of these perps? Got any ideas to keep their noise pollution at bay? Have your own subway rant? Please share!