“Is nothing sacred?” asks NPR today of the picture you see to your right. Because — if you haven’t heard — the creatures of MTV’s Jersey Shore (and Village Voice cover models!) rang the opening bell on the New York Stock Exchange today. At the half-way mark of the day, have any palpable effects on the market been felt?
[UPDATE: The results are in!]
Well, it’s a Situation that The Situation is going to get under control. We hope.
Click to enlarge:
As you can see, the Dow Jones Industrial, the NASDAQ, and the S&P 500 all took quite the hit early on in the day, with the excitement of Celebrity Guidos’ presence creating slight upticks a few minutes after they opened, and a little after 10 AM as well. This was followed, of course, by the likely realization that the New York Stock Exchange just allowed the cast of Jersey Shore to open up the markets, which took them down the slippery slope of reality. They have been struggling to regain their confidence since. The Dow Jones Industrial is holding up the best of the three, with only a 0.04 loss compared to yesterday. The S&P 500 isn’t a fan of Jersey Shore, either, as they find themselves beaten down by a 0.34% loss from yesterday. Finally, the Nasdaq isn’t faring much better. In fact, at 0.64% loss, it’s faring worse. Equity securities? More like equity insecurities.
One could chalk this up to random coincidence. Or maybe it has something to do with the fact that private research group The Conference Board announced today that consumer confidence is at its lowest since February, and looking at the tanned, ripped “bods” of the Jersey Shore cast, how can you be confident about anything?
Yet, an incredible, fascinating pattern is emerging! One only has to look to The Guido Routine of G.T.L. – or Gym, Tan, and Laundry — to see The Guido Effect taking hold of the New York Stock Exchange! We present three pieces of substantial evidence on the matter (click to enlarge the individual quotes).
GYM: Unbelievably, the stock price of Nautilus Fitness (NYSE: NLS) — one of the world’s largest manufactures of gym equipment, including brands like Nautilus, Bowflex, and Universal — is up 0.05 points from yesterday. Not much, right? Ah, but wait.
TAN: Because the stock price of Energizer Holdings (NYSE: ENR) — who in 2007 purchased the world’s largest manufacturer of sunscreen in the Western Hemisphere, Playtex Products (who own Banana Boat and Hawaiian Tropic — is up 4.75 points from yesterday as of this afternoon! So maybe, while chipping away at all other forms of confidence, the cast of Jersey Shore‘s prominence has lead to a consumer surge towards drying out one’s skin artificially until it has the consistency of a candied prune! It may also help that New York State is thinking of further regulating the tanning bed industry and forcing Guido and Non-Guido alike to emerge further out into the sunlight.
LAUNDRY: The final, essential step of The Guido Routine is laundry, and of course, Proctor & Gamble (NYSE: PG) — manufacturers of Tide, among other laundry detergents — is up 0.78%.
Sure, we only took three random stocks of prominent manufacturers in large American industries to support our theory, but come on: the evidence is there. The Guido Effect — some combination of the juju associated with whoever rings the opening bell and the emergence of The American Guido on an unsuspecting public (symbolically epitomized by their ringing of the bell) — takes hold!
We’ll be checking back later in the day with the full report of The Guido Effect on the markets, with expert guest financial analysis. Stay tuned!
This article from the Village Voice Archive was posted on July 27, 2010