Top Five News Stories We’d Like to Write Off With the Weather and Ignore Forever


This month has been miserably hot and humid, spawning piece after piece about heat-related everything: from power outages to cooling stations and beyond. Having exhausted most of the humidity-ridden news coverage and digging for a new angle, the New York Times ran a piece pointing out that heat is the scapegoat for everything going wrong when it happens to be 90+ degrees. But is it?

Maybe the Times is onto something. After blaming the heat for taking a cab five blocks instead of walking, tripping on a curbs, and refusing to leave the apartment for entire days, it became obvious that this really is the number one best excuse ever. In fact, one could reasonably hope it stays hot all the time so The Heat may remain a valid reasoning point for the ever-expanding bounty of ridiculousness in general, but especially in the daily news cycle.

Thus, we present the top five stories we should chalk up to the heat, allowing one to quickly rationalize the absurdity of their existence, and quickly move forward:

1. Me & Mr. Jones, the movie based on Joran Van Der Sloot’s involvement in the disappearance of Natalee Holloway, now being filmed in Aruba. Did anyone tell Dutch filmmaker Paul Ruven that Van Der Sloot is still awaiting trial? [i.e., Too soon?]

2. Bedbugs: Making headlines just about every day recently since it’s been hot outside. Coincidence? Dubious. Itchy yet? ‘Cause they’re probably in your cubicle. Also, don’t go to the movies.

3. The New York Times penned a profile of Snooki in which NYT writer Cathy Horyn compares Snooki to Elizabeth Taylor. Enough said.

4. Lady Gaga may have unknowingly aided in the collection of classified information about the war. Gawd bless America. “In at least one instance, according to those familiar with the inquiry, the soldier smuggled highly classified data out of his intelligence unit on a disc disguised as a music CD by Lady Gaga,” the Times reports. “He was able to avoid detection not because he kept a poker face, they said, but apparently because he hummed and lip-synched to Lady Gaga songs to make it appear that he was using the classified computer’s CD player to listen to music.” Lady Gaga, in a Times story, about international intelligence. Really.

5. There’s one news item that’s impossible to wrap you’re mind around, even considering the weather. Two words: Mel Gibson. The shit-storm seems to be calming down, but man, oh, man, that was nuts, and to think, those were recorded before it was even this hot outside.