Raccoons vs. Humans: Bloody Battle for Brooklyn Domination Wages on


Maybe you heard about the raccoon that broke into a Park Slope home, stole into the kitchen cabinets, and somehow suffocated itself just in time for the legitimate residents of the apartment to find it dead among their flatware in the wee hours of the morning? That’s just one example of what these diabolical beasts can do! Tracey McTague, who lives in Greenwood Heights, has taken to protecting her homestead with an electric fence installed around her garden, reports the Brooklyn Paper. Perfect, if not PETA-friendly. Except it’s not really working.

“They are very clever,” said McTague. “They are like Moby Dick. If you are going to hate an animal, they should challenge your wits.”

Wits are challenged, indeed, by that logic alone!

The offenses began with purposely vile poop deposits — “mounds of raccoon poop, which can be home to parasitic roundworms.” Then! “A sadistic raccoon fished out McTague’s five beloved koi — and left them to die beside their pond.” Evil! That was when war was declared, McTague says, although we imagine it was rather one-sided, verbally.

McTague started shocking them with her high-powered electric fence, but they savvily figured out they could dig underneath it to get to her garden, and now they’re, um, using rain gutters and a wisteria canopy to jettison themselves, Tarzan-like, into the garden. According to another resident of the neighborhood, they’re also trying to break into houses and, probably, steal plasma TVs and other high-value equipment.

Normally gentle Brooklyners are advocating euthanization and other violent means to stop the hostile takeover and show the raccoons who’s boss. Says McTague: “If I could catch one, I’d kick it in the ass.”

We’ll be Switzerland in this situation, only because we’re freakin’ scared.