Fun With Mormon Fantasies


Dear Readers: As you read this, my trusty burro, pigtailed chica, and I are criss-crossing Aztlán researching Mexican food. So now is as bueno as any time to do some housecleaning for the columna. Hay que start with a letter from the Mexican’s longtime amigo, William Lobdell. For years one of the most prestigious religion reporters in the United States, he’s also the author of the touching, brilliant memoir Losing My Religion: How I Lost My Faith Reporting on Religion in America—and Found Unexpected Peace, a book the Mexican recommends as much as he does Herradura. He wrote in recently regarding my piece from a couple of semanas back theorizing why so many Mexis are Mormons:

“The real reason why Mormons had such good luck at converting Mexicans is that the missionaries and even past prophets have told Latinos that they are the descendants of Lamanites, a lost tribe of Israel that came to America around 600 B.C. As a Lamanite, therefore, Mexicans are part of God’s chosen people and very, very special and God has something incredible planned for them. This, naturally, is very appealing to people of poverty and hardship. Of course, recent studies show that native Americans (North, Central, and South) come from Asia, not the Middle East. But this hasn’t stopped the majority of Mormons from using the you-are-a-Hebrew sales pitch to natives of North, Central, and South America. And when those convert Mormons find out that they don’t have an ounce of Jewish blood in them, they are devastated.

Gracias, Bill!

On the other side of the Mexican Mormon equation is the following gentleman:

Your “understanding of Mormonism” is partially incorrect and frankly offensive. Mormon men do NOT dominate their wives. Mormons do NOT hate homosexuals—nor anyone else, for that matter. I suggest you do better research, and apologize in print for these untruths. Good luck finding the courage to do that.

Actually, señor, Mormons do hate homosexuals—otherwise, church doctrine wouldn’t classify it as a sin, or unnatural. But what do I know? My Catholic faith preaches the same pendejadas—and we protect pedophiles much better than ustedes. As for the husband domination? That’s what makes your religion so appealing to Mexicans—don’t start denying it!

STOP THE DEPORTATION OF DREAMERS! Faithful readers know that the Mexican’s favorite cause is the DREAM Act, a bill that would allow young people who are culturally American to qualify for amnesty. The pinche Obama administration is now threatening to deport quite a few of them—my former intern Matías Ramos, Marlen Moren of Tucson, and even a gabacho: Ivan Nikolov, a 22-year-old student at Macomb Community College in Michigan, who might be back in Russia (a country he barely remembers) by the time you’re reading this. Fight the deportation of some of our best and brightest by visiting to learn how to raise the proper desmadre.

CONTEST ALERT! The Mexican doesn’t mind pirated versions of his column, but he doesn’t like when pendejos use his picture without his permission. See, Mark Dancey owns my pinche portrait, and he enjoys people ripping off his work about as much as Arpayaso enjoys following the law.

So, the contest: Anyone who rats out anyone who uses this column’s logo gets a copy of my book. Send photographic proof of the piratería to my email or snail-mail address below.

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