Yesterday, one of our nightmares came true. We learned about the mortgage company employee arrested for “allegedly jerking off into a female co-worker’s water bottle,” which, not surprisingly, made her sick. This happened, apparently, not once but twice! Oh, yeah, and he’s a graduate of USC, a (former) financial rep with the Northwestern Mutual Financial Network, and a dad and loving husband who enjoys spending free time with his family and friends. He even has a LinkedIn profile!
Michael Lallana, a 31-year-old Fullerton, California, resident, was accused of creepily sneaking into his twentysomething co-worker’s office and “depositing his ejaculation” into a water bottle she left on her desk; she unwittingly drank it, then threw it away “after feeling sickened and irritated.”
Not content with that one jizz episode, however, Lallana allegedly did it again, again in a water bottle his co-worker had left on her desk. Sick/irritated results ensued, and she sent the water bottle to a lab to be tested. They confirmed: Yep, semen. He agreed to have his DNA tested, and they confirmed, Yep, his semen.
Okay, a question here: If you tasted something weird in your water, how long would it take you to suspect that semen had been introduced, and whose semen would you suspect? Just saying, we over here would probably toss the bottle, chalk the weird flavor up to toothpaste or a hangover, and start anew, but we’re trusting sorts. Also, we like that flavored Perrier or, in a pinch, Gatorade, which would probably cover up the taste. More questions: Did she know he had it out for her? Or does she merely have finely honed tastebuds and a keen eye for justice?
Per Orange County Deputy District Attorney Bobby Taghavi, Lallana had not expressed animosity toward the woman or done anything publicly to suggest he was the perpetrator.
Whatever his reasons, Lallana was arrested yesterday and charged with two misdemeanor counts of “releasing an offensive material in a public place” and assault. According to the L.A. Times, a Northwestern Mutual spokeswoman said his supervisor dismissed him upon learning of the allegations (he’s also been deleted from their site), and we suspect his wife is none too happy. If convicted, he may get three months to three years in jail, where we hope, if the allegations are true, he is kept hydrated with plenty of semen-infused water.
There are a lot of lessons here. First: “releasing an offensive material in a public place” — wow, good to know that’s a crime. Also, never leave your drinks unattended in the office, or anywhere else for that matter. Using plastic water bottles isn’t even environmental! Get one of those aluminum ones; they’re harder to deposit “offensive material” into, and said material will be less likely to leach into your water. And, at the end of the day, never trust a dad/loving husband/mortgage company employee.
Let’s all pray that copycat crimes will not follow: “These are not charges you see every day,” Taghavi said. Thank God.