24 Really Ridiculous Supermarket Products


Wait! Isn’t espresso supposed to be the opposite of instant coffee?

Hey, hippies, if I “Get the Munchies,” I want the entire bag filled with M&M’s.

Unless you count salt as a spice, hummus has no spices at all, just garlic and lemon juice. Forty spices? Yuck! I can’t even name 40 spices.

The conflicting iconography of the label (Jewish, Japanese, Surfer) is giving me a headache, but I’m pretty sure I don’t want my teriyaki sauce “Made With 100% Pure Pineapple Juice.”

No, I’m not trusting this company to come up with anything Sichuan, especially when they still spell it “Szechuan.” Note that the adjacent jar says “Tuscan.”

I’m not feeding my baby anything that looks like tiny processed penises.

Now that I’ve seen this product, I’m keeping my eyes open for suspiciously small-bore pepperoni at my local pizzzeria. And the dog seems to be crying for help.

“Salmon” and “Tuscany” and “cat food” should never be uttered in the same sentence. And who wants their cat to be a “gourmet”?


No kid is going to mistake a cracker topped with cold cheese and ketchup for a pizza.

At last someone found something to do with sun-dried tomatoes.

I think I’d rather have some “difficult cheese.”

“Chicken Bacon Ranch Stuffed Melt” — I’m hurling! And since when did “melt” become a noun? I won’t even mention the absurdity of “baked potato soup.”

No self-respecting vegetarian would touch something that looks just like the dodgy meat loaf special from a grease-pit diner. If it looks and tastes like meat — it’s probably meat.

I’m not sprinkling that on anything!

This is the box that dares not speak its real name — Instant Margarine!

Smooth Move wants to manipulate your bowel movements.


Fondue is basically just melted cheese and wine — so what’s in the box?

These expensive and pretentious products only contain 3 percent actual truffle scrapings, sucker! But the amazing thing is that these products are sold in a supermarket.

I’m down with an Italian-American corporation making Japanese panko crumbs — used principally to make tempura — but I stamp my foot with displeasure when they flavor those pristine crumbs with dried Italian seasonings.

(Click on this one to enlarge.) Give me back my calories and soy fat! And what, exactly, is the “eighth continent” — Atlantis?

Nowadays, any brand can be attached to anything, but Bailey’s is going out on a limb making non-alcoholic and non-dairy coffee creamer loaded with artificial flavors. Wouldn’t you rather just pour some Bailey’s into your coffee?

We used to call them “pretzels.”

That Rasta Elf on this brand of icebox cookie dough is really freaking me out!

Brought to you by the City of Buffalo, the shrimp-farming capital of the world. These look really awful, don’t they?