Here we have an amusing look at the pitfalls and clichés of the DJ-bio racket, an increasingly hackneyed PR necessity marred by such banalities as “classically trained pianist” or “known for spinning eclectic sets.” As a more complicated exercise, our guide than attempts to pen the highly coveted all-cliché bio, and the results are chilling indeed:
He began playing in local bars and clubs in his hometown of Nowheresville, getting his first break when the DJ called in sick at a local pub where he washed dishes. He soon blew up in Nowheresville and began playing in TrendyStateCapital, after he was discovered by Well-ConnectedScenester of the BigCityPartyPromoter crew. He was taken under the wing of EstablishedVeteranDJ1, who took him on tour to Ibiza, Berlin, Tokyo, Santiago, Miami, and some secret techno resort that common tourists don’t know about. He has since enjoyed immense success, blowing up dancefloors across the globe (OK, OK, mostly around TrendyStateCapital) to sold-out crowds. He has shared the decks with the likes of SuperStarDJ1, EstablishedVeteranDJ2, and HotForTheNextMonth3, all of whom played at his afterparties in the swank uptown loft that his parents are TOTALLY not paying for, he swears. He is also a prolific and respected producer, having released two albums and 10 EPs since he got up this morning. His most recent mega-hit track, “My Snizz is Glittery,” has been charted by every single fucking DJ listed on Resident Advisor and Discogs combined, with support from all the leading DJs signed to any label that ever mattered–plus his grandma.
Stick around also for the equally rare no-clichés-whatsoever bio:
Meh used the funds from his lucrative consulting job to buy all the top-of-the-line gear on a whim, which he may or may not be using in a month. Too impatient to learn through trial-and-error and observation, he purchased several “How to DJ” instructional videos and has hired a local wedding/event DJ to teach him how to mix records. His musical influences have mostly been top-40 chart-pop, not-so-indie rock, and whatever hip-hop and r’n’b that iTunes recommends to him. His musical style is a generic mix of house and tech-house, mostly chosen from whatever tracks show up on DJ-charts, whatever Beatport suggests when he logs in, and any tracks that his DJ friends mention more than once.
It’s tough out there for a guy/gal just trying to get a 1:30 p.m. opening slot at Electric Zoo. Educate yourselves accordingly.