Saying Goodbye to Wyclef Jean’s Bid for the Haitian Presidency With A Self-Aggrandizing Song Called “Prison for the CEP” and a Ritz Crackers Commercial


Thankfully, Wyclef Jean’s run for the Haitian presidency is now finished. According to everyone but Wyclef Jean, anyway. The former Fugee remains unbowed–or, if you prefer, still entirely delusional–and on Wednesday, he posted to Twitter a song he described as “contesting the CEP, in Creole,” referring to the electoral board that barred his run. That the song was in Creole was, some speculated, an attempt to prove to the world he actually spoke one of Haiti’s two most common languages, after his former bandmate Pras had alleged to Vulture that Clef’s “Creole is similar to Jackie Chan’s English — no disrespect to Jackie Chan.” (No one disputes the fact that Jean speaks zero French, the official language of government business in Haiti.) But the song being in Creole also presented translation difficulties for one of Jean’s biggest constituencies–Americans who like the Fugees. Luckily, Newsweek just came through with a translation. It turns out “Lucifer is in control of the CEP”!

Here is their full translation:

I am going to challenge, going to challenge, going to court to challenge
Look, they disqualified Wyclef,
They say that Wyclef does not speak Creole. He’s the candidate from the diaspora.
Even my Haitian people, they curse me on Facebook, when they heard that I was running
for president, they said Wyclef should be barred …
Even the priests of the Catholic Church were shocked. They said I left Petit-Goâve for Les Cayes …
All the weekend I was celebrated the feast of Our Lady. I disqualified.
Port Salut disqualified, children cried
There are activists/militants who said I made a deal with Préval.
But I didn’t do a deal with Préval,
It was a president asked to see a candidate. I could not refuse it …
I only told him I’d come back. When I got there he served me coffee …
He wanted to assure our friendship. He told me I was a good candidate.
He put me on the phone with Jude Celestin. We had a good talk.
Afterward Préval barred me.
Even though you say that the decision came from the Provisional Electoral Council, I know you hold all the cards.
I voted for you for president in 2006, why do you reject my candidacy today?
You didn’t reject Wyclef. You rejected the youth.
You didn’t reject Wyclef. You rejected the people.
You didn’t reject Wyclef. You rejected the fellow hawking sweets on the street.
You didn’t reject Wyclef. You rejected the peasants.
They rejected Wyclef. Some people say that I went to [the] Saut d’Eau [falls] to get some special powers.
But I just went there to bathe in the falls.
If I had gone there to get special powers, perhaps I would not have been disqualified.
The CEP [Provisional Electoral Council] disqualified me.
Don’t forget my father was a Rev. Minister. The God who is with me is stronger than Lucifer.
Lucifer is in control of the CEP. The Satan disqualified me. The children of God cannot be barred.
Fas a Fas. Jen Kore Jen. Front to Front. We want education for all for us to get there. In the schools, we want to get there. In the universities, we want to get there.
Youth sector, peasant sector, we will not allow them to trample on our rights. We must get there.
Black bandanna. Red bandanna. Red and blue.
We’re all the same. Haiti is our lady. Let it not break our hearts.
Before I go to bed, I always read a psalm.
I pray to Hosanna: get the people out from under the rubble, and send Archangel Gabriel to protect the women living in the tents where they are being raped …
Wyclef Jean, indeed, I will continue to challenge the CEP. We must remain mobilized. I won’t give up.
Face to face, lies lose.

But there’s more! For weeks now we’ve been searching for photos of the carnival float Wyclef allegedly had built, so that he could parade on it wearing a frilly shirt and gilded epaulets, a live lion by his side. Weirdly, no pictures survive. (That we can find, anyway.) But recently, someone pointed us to the next best thing: a May ad spot for Ritz Crackers. Want to see Wyclef’s carnival style? Here it is:

Is this really the man you want appealing an unappealable judgment by Haiti’s court that he can’t in fact run for the presidency of a country he isn’t remotely qualified to lead?

Wyclef Jean Lashes Out in Song [Newsweek]
Wyclef Jean Wants Haiti’s Electoral Council Jailed for Shutting Him Out [Gawker]