Your End of Summer End Times Watch: Hurricanes, Monkeypox, and Bieber Hair


In case you hadn’t noticed: It’s the last day of August, which means that “the silly season” of ridiculous news stories is, maybe, taking its last gasps. (See ya, Slater!) In the meantime, there is suddenly a wealth of news indicating that an End Times Watch is in order for all of you loyal RS readers. Hurricanes on the East Coast, for Labor Day? Raccoons running rampant throughout New York City? The Bieber is the new Rachel? Yes, these are dark times. Read on for 10 signs of the oncoming apocalypse.

1. Seriously, Hurricane Earl is headed for the East Coast. Despite his rather grandfatherly name, he is a Category 4 with winds of 135 mph, and he hates us. Thus, he is aiming for the North Carolina coast by late Thursday or early Friday, and may hit New England (and presumably the New York area) for the last long weekend of the summer. Worse than wrecking your possibly last beach weekend this year, however, is the fact that the feds are advising us to “shore up homes, store water and food, and monitor radio, TV for info on risks and evacuation.” Who should evacuate in case of hurricane? People who live in high-rise buildings. Fuck.

2. We can muster little joy for this dancing merengue dog, which seems to bespeak civilization’s decline.

3. The venerable, 15-year-old Barnes & Noble at Lincoln Center may be replaced with a Century 21.

4. Everyone wants Bieber hair, even young men! And there are ways to get it. Disturbing, bestial ways.

5. People are throwing away cats and puppies now.

6. In a word: Monkeypox.

7. Bedbugs have not only mysteriously taken over New York City, they are impervious to our paltry human attempts to kill them! Even HIV cannot kill them. In fact, they kill HIV. Bow to your new bug overlords, peons. And run.

8. If the bedbugs don’t get us, the vicious, warmongering raccoons will.

9. Or the evil chickens will. Or the “dead maggots and live flies” will.

10. Deep-fried beer? Yep, it’s been invented. Well, if we’re all going to go down, we might as well enjoy ourselves. Wait, let’s try that dancing dog clip again.