Moobs, or Man-Boobs, Are the Scourge of Today’s Man…But There Is Hope!


Today, Metro New York tackles the hard questions. Whatever is a man with moobs to do? (Moobs, for the uninformed, are man-boobs.) Boldly, the editors of Metro devote the lion’s share of their cover to the issue, promising that men ashamed of their moobs are not alone, and that moobs are “a problem that’s easily fixed.” Whew.

This may be the first instance of moobs appearing on the cover of a daily paper.

In other news, Hurricane Earl might hit the East Coast for Labor Day, and 71 percent of people want the mosque near Ground Zero to move. But back to moobs.

While breast-enhancing surgery has become almost a norm for American women, men are also heading to the plastic surgeon’s office more often — to have their man-boobs (moobs) removed in a procedure referred to as gynecomastia.

Really, breast-enhancing surgery is almost a norm for American women? Hmmm.

Turns out, moobs arise most often in cases where men are fat. But also, there can be hormonal issues, so don’t go getting all judgey. If you have moobs, you probably already know it, but um, “Any man that’s having a discharge from his nipples, that’s definitely a sign that you need to have an evaluation,” says moob-doc Bill Johnson, from Innovations Medical in Dallas, Texas. (We heartily agree.) “Also, folks that have very large breasts that aren’t particularly overweight or particularly heavy anywhere else.”

Weird, isn’t it, that a skinny girl with very large breasts is acceptable, even appealing, while a thin man with huge moobs is not. Oh, gender inequality!

Moobs are not only humiliating in everyday life, they will cause you unfounded embarrassment when your moob mugshot, in which the cops have actually digitally covered your horrifying killer moobs, goes viral. (Aside: Never murder someone if you have moobs, because THIS COULD HAPPEN.)

But look on the bright side. A little moob surg will run you just $5,000 to $15,000, which you can probably put on your credit card. And it will make all the difference in your confidence level! According to doctors, “quality should never be sacrificed.” Words to live by.

Or you could just wear a shirt.