It’s funny, ’cause it’s true. Even if it is fake. In today’s “8.4 Million New Yorkers Suddenly Realize New York City A Horrible Place To Live,” the Onion captures the bittersweet mystique of why we live here: In a word, masochism.
This “article” now has 29K Facebook likes and is being Tweeted all over the place, which means it must have captured a certain appeal, not least to New Yorkers, who not only understand but also LIVE this, like, seriously.
“I always had this perverted sense of pride because I was managing to scrape by here,” said Brooklyn resident Andrew McQuade, who, after watching two subway rats gnawing on a third bloody rat carcass, finally determined that New York City was a giant sprawling cancer. “Well, fuck that. I don’t need to pay $2,000 a month to share a doghouse-sized apartment with some random Craigslist dipshit to prove my worth. I want to live like a goddamn human being.”
Other incidents that prompted citizens to pick up and leave included the sight of garbage bags stacked 5 feet high on the sidewalk; the realization that being alone among millions of anonymous people is actually quite horrifying; a blaring siren that droned on and fucking on; muddy, refuse-filled puddles that have inexplicably not dried in three years; the thought of growing into a person whose meanness and cynicism is cloaked in a kind of holier-than-thou brand of sarcasm that the rest of the world finds nauseating; and all the goddamn people.
3 million New Yorkers reportedly left the city because they realized the phrase “Only in New York” is actually just a defense mechanism used to convince themselves that seeing a naked man take a shit on a park bench is somehow endearing, or part of some shared cultural experience.
But it bears mentioning, if we all left at the same time, traffic would be a total bitch and we would have to complain about that, too, and then we’d probably just all go back home and drown our sorrows in too much booze, get up the next day, bitch about our hangovers, and do it all over again.
So New York of us! Don’t you feel a strange sense of…pride? We <3 you guys!
P.S. Never moving to Scottsdale.