Film

Jon Bon Jovi Had Crabs

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According to a new book by the group’s former tour manager, rocker Jon Bon Jovi got crabs — you know, pubic lice — on a trip to Japan 25 years ago.

My heart goes out to him.

From what I’ve heard, ahem, it’s a hideous, sci-fi situation where these squirming little creatures infest your pubes and lead to horrible itching, not to mention the gross realization that living beings have taken over your body and they’re not even remotely attractive.

What’s worse, you look down every five minutes and they’ve doubled!

They’re like Tweets!

You have to immediately Quell yourself from head to toe, assault all your furniture with some special spray you bought with a shroud over your head, and launder everything you’ve touched in the last month, including your lover.

Worst of all, you have to convince everyone you got them from thrift-store clothing!

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