Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement for The Jews — of which New York City has many — is coming at this city faster than a first-time Brooklyn Tornado. For some Jews, it can’t come fast enough — funny, because The Jews fast on Yom Kippur — which has something to do with why some Jews in New York are reportedly putting things up their asses before Yom Kippur. Sound sacrilegious? Well, it’s not.
Via The Brooklyn Paper, apparently, some very observant Jews are stocking up on caffeine suppositories to help them make it through the day of fasting, as it’s apparently not-kosher to eat something on the Day of Atonement, but totally cool if you shove something up your ass to help you tweak your way through the Day of Atonement:
“It helps — you know, it’s hard to concentrate when you’re fasting and also addicted to caffeine,” said Baruch Herzfeld, an Orthodox Jew who owns a bike store in Williamsburg. “Some take it before sundown, but most take it throughout their fasting. These guys love a good loophole.” These huge, rectally inserted pills are popular. Pharmacists at Rafieh — one of many distributors in south Williamsburg on Lee Avenue — sold nearly 150 suppositories today. “We have caffeine suppositories!” the store’s handwritten sign heralded. “Be ready!”
Of course, one Rabbi thinks it might be cheating, and worries about his congregation shitting on most of his sermon, literally:
“We’re supposed to do it the old-fashioned way — I wouldn’t advise [suppositories],” said Rabbi Simcha Weinstein, a Hasidic leader. “We wanna keep Jews in the synagogue and not in the bathroom.”
But both parties have somehow managed to skirt the major point here, which is that this is obviously just an excuse for otherwise sexually repressed dudes to shove something up their ass and tweak out. It’s probably not “kosher” to do Poppers either, but I wouldn’t be shocked to see a trend piece about Ortho-Yids cracking ’em open right before launching into a mean Sh’mah next Tishrei. In fact, you can probably “get away” with “not-eating” a penis up your butt by Jewish law on any day of the week, though it’s probably a less open — literally — loophole (pun unintended) for the time being. Hey, progress takes all forms.