Footage from 1999 of Delaware’s finest anti-masturbation Republican/Tea Party candidate for Senate, Christine O’Donnell, admitting to having “dabbled in Witchcraft” has hit the Internet! It’s a sensation, especially for those of us punishment-fetishists who also enjoy masturbating to witches. Here are 10 more witches who’d be better suited for office than Christine O’Donnell, whose own party very well may just pile a bunch of stones on her chest before November to ensure that she still isn’t of this persuasion.
10. Linda Blair in The Exorcist. Obviously the Anti-O’Donnell candidate in every possible way: loves to Masturbate, hates God, but also, like O’Donnell, doesn’t take kindly to insults (watch that green stuff!) and isn’t afraid to hurl them right back at you (“My mother does what in what?”). Not afraid to firmly stand her ground and instead of twisting your arm, will twist her own head in order to get you on her side of things (a trick O’Donnell has yet — yet — to pull off). Also, not categorically a witch, but Christine O’Donnell isn’t categorically a politician so much as a sociopath, so it works.
9. The Women of Death Becomes Her. Everyone’s mom loves this movie, and didn’t Jack Nicholson have his way with the entire cast? Who won’t vote for that? Also, moms are a big political contingent.
8. Morticia A. Adams Strong matriarchal figure, has to keep her skeezy husband and slutty-if-not-slow children and other bizarre family members (the brother-in-law with the light-bulb fetish, the hand that does everything but masturbate) in check, more often than not. Sound familiar? Gruesome obsession with death will fascinate war-hawks, and pro-necrophilia advocacy will appeal to those who like to rape the 223-year-old piece of paper our country refers to as its foundational brochure until it resembles their views. At the same time, pro-sex advocacy will obviously appeal to the horny liberal in all of us.
7. Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Hates blood-suckers (strong on National Defense and Family Values) except for when she falls in love with them (see: George W. Bush and the Saudis) but adored by Musical Theater Students and Comic-Con attendees worldwide (youth demographic, gay demographic, liberal demographic). Fans to this day won’t shut the fuck up about her eagerly awaited comeback.
6. The Blair Witch of The Blair Witch Project: Nobody knows anything about her other than the fact that she ate three really annoying kids one summer and made a bunch of money doing it, and if this country loves anything, it’s an efficient free-market hyper-capitalist. Also, Kagan-like mystery surrounding her political persuasions has already proven a formidable opponent against Supreme Court confirmation process once this year, which may very well be a decent litmus test for this election season, so all she has to do is hire a decent fundraiser and keep eating annoying film students, and she’s basically a shoo-in.
5. Sandra Bullock: Has played the Lovable Magical White Woman so many times, she’s basically typecast for it now. Hell, she won an Oscar for it. Also, she once kept a bomb-armed bus running at over 50 mph while having to deal with Keanu Reeves saying “Woah” every eight seconds, and if that’s not grace under fire, nothing is. Unfortunately, has already shown her lack of affection for Nazism, which may get in the way of more conservative voters cheering her on. Proven strong Female Figure, however, and incredibly bankable these days, so wouldn’t have a problem with fundraising.
4. Elphaba from Wicked: You know what tourists do when they come to New York City? Doesn’t matter if they’re liberal, Tea Party, centrist, Republican, moderate, Paul-Tards, whatever. Doesn’t matter. Because they all freak the fuck out over Wicked. They all go into a Broadway theater and check their preconceived notions of New York City as some kind of walled-off Gomorrah filled with strung-out alcoholic homosexual hipsters for two and a half hours, and on the way out, they even buy a coffee mug. You know why? If you don’t, you obviously know nothing about Wicked.
Also, she’s a minority — Green — and plays the foil to a basically despicable white chick until she turns the white chick into one of her own political persuasion at the end. [Post-spoiler Spoiler Alert, kind of. Sorry.] Most importantly, she came back from generations of character defamation to become a Tony-winner. This country loves a comeback story, and EVERYONE DESERVES A CHANCE TO FLYYYYYYYYY, or something.
3. Those Chicks from The Craft: Intimidatingly gothic, obviously classicists, run as a party, able to whip up fervor in the untapped Marilyn Manson Fan political contingent yet to be fully explored. Adored by Riot-Girrl Feministas who still listen to lots of Slater-Kinney, and vindictive as shit: disturbingly strong on military policy if even looked at the wrong way, clearly has fringe-left and fringe-right contingents on lockdown.
2. Sabrina the Teenage Witch: A centrist who only talks to cats who talk back to her, big on family, left her “explains it all” background behind for ideals that make room for understanding and participating in the chaotic nature of the universe. Perpetually Teenaged, which means she’s great for whipping up youth demographics. Also, would likely employ said talking cat as a campaign manager, and politics, already catty as they are, would obviously be no match. And finally:
1. Hermione Granger Incredibly educated (Hogwarts grad, reportedly magna cum laude). Fashionable. A rigorous academic, but that’s not to say she’s necessarily liberal in political affiliation: not afraid to invoke punishing defense if fucked with, yet also has a strict sense of proportional responses. Major weakness as a know-it-all may very well be a political Achilles’ heel, but not afraid to stand up to the status quo of bureaucracy. Strong believer in traditions, friendship, not afraid to fight prejudices against “Mudbloods” as she is one herself: Appeals to both Muggles and undecided purists, also, hot enough to make O’Donnell masturbate.
This article from the Village Voice Archive was posted on September 18, 2010