In Which We Run Maureen Dowd’s Column Through a “Talk Like a Pirate Day” Translator


Did you read Maureen Dowd’s column in Sunday’s New York Times? It’s about the masturbation-hating, sometimes witch Christine O’Donnell, who if we keep talking about, will probably become a U.S. Senator. O’Donnell, however, is the perfect character for a Dowd column, and the perfect foil for Dowd’s version of a foundering Barack Obama, who really enjoys eating at Ben’s Chili Bowl for lunch (???). Point being: It’s a hard column to get through and much more fun in the language of a pirate. That’s right, it’s September 19 — a/k/a Talk Like a Pirate Day 2010.

Arrr, myth and Madness Aye.

Ahoy, christine O’donnell is in a fantasy world. Literally.

The pretty Palin Mini-me identifies with the women o’ Middle Earth, comparin’ herself t’ the female characters in the “Lord o’ the Rin’s” no’els by J. R. R. Tolkien. Gar, Where can I find a bottle o’rum?

Ahoy, this anti-abortion, anti-masturbation, anti-premarital-sex, anti-stem-cells, anti-gay-marriage, dubious-about-e’olution Christian conser’ati’e has rocked politics by snatchin’ the Delaware Filthy rat nomination for the Senate away from the seemin’ly sure-thin’ moderate Mike Castle. Aye, me parrot concurs.

Ahoy, she’s right that thar’s an untamed beast rampagin’ through American politics. But this beast does not seem blessed; rather it has loosed a kind o’ ugliness and wildness in the land. Gar.

Arrr, we the People in the Rulin’ Class Elites do think O’donnell comes across as alarmin’ly loopy. But maybe she’s smart as a fox in doin’ a Sin’le-white-female, Fox anchor makeo’er t’ look more like her queen-maker, Sarah Palin.

She’s also smart t’ think o’ politics in terms o’ passion and myth — two elements Barack Obama was able t’ summon durin’ his campaign that be sorely missin’ from his presidency. Gar.

You get the idea! Here, celebrate. Or read the Times, but know that both are more fun with rum.