I’d Like to Spank the Academy


Big stars are always bragging about having won Oscars, Tonys, and shit like that, but excuse me, I’ve got some plaques and trophies, too.

Pictured is just one little shelf bearing some of the incredible honors I’ve achieved in the last year alone:

(from left to right)

A Paper magazine Lifetime Achievement Award for having been to more parties than anyone since Methuselah’s stylist;

A Glammy Award for Best Writer/Blogger — so that’s basically two honors in one, snap;

A Gooth magazine Readers Choice Award for Best Columnist — and, yes, they have readers, thank you;

An award that was homemade by gossips Joanna Molloy and George Rush, given to me at my gala anniversary party earlier this year in addition to bruises from being pushed out of photos;

And an honorary Golden Pineapple Award, presented by the Cringefest, whatever that is.

So I’d like to thank all the academies for showering me with so much lovin’, and while I’m doing so, I’d also like to send a message out to the Nobel committee:

“Don’t bother, kids. I’ve already got more gold than I can handle.”

Photo by Mickey Boardman