How Not to Act On a First Date


I have no idea how to act on a first date, but after all these years I can tell you exactly how not to act, especially if you want a second date.

*Don’t text the whole time. Duh. But be sure to leave the phone on so it will occasionally make a noise that announces you’re popular.

*Don’t exaggerate how amazing you are. If you’re a carny, don’t say you’re a CEO. If you’re 54, don’t say you’re 18.

*Don’t talk endlessly about your ex and how you’re trying so hard to get over him/her after only a decade and a half. This signals that you’re cuckoo.

*Don’t act overly interested in every word they say, pausing before you speak to make sure you’re not interrupting. Some of the real you has to come through or this will go nowhere.

*Don’t excuse yourself to go to the bathroom several times. If you keep running to the loo, they’ll think you’re rude and/or have a weak bladder, and besides, it will give them the chance to leave.

*No jokes. No limericks. No haiku. No stupid human tricks.

Got it? Now relax, be yourself, and enjoy.