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Each Thursday, your Crap Archivist brings you the finest in forgotten and bewildering crap culled from basements, thrift stores, estate sales and flea markets. I do this for one reason: Knowledge is power.
The Untold History of America: 1492 – 1963
Author: Ray Bilger
Publisher: “Phoenix Source Distributors,” which is probably just Ray Bilger
Discovered at: Savers, Overland Park
“Powerful international forces have been manipulating America from behind the scenes since long before 1776. These forces have been orchestrating wars, installing presidents, controlling our Congress and the courts, illegally and unlawfully controlling our money system, mind-controlling the citizens through television and more subtle means, manipulating the weather, and much more, in a plan designed to culminate in the eventual destruction of America and her Citizens.”
Faced with irrational patterns, our minds grasp toward conclusions. That’s why you might feel more engaged by the opening of a mystery than its conclusion, or why boys believe chatty strippers and waitresses just might love them back, or why a genuine human adult might post to the internet an entirely serious piece titled “Lady Gaga, The Illuminati Puppet.”
But that’s hardly enough to explain The Untold History of America, a book more crazy/upsetting than a clown-tongue bidet.
Across each page the madness fireworks: Nikolai Tesla taught the U.S. Navy time-travel, Henry Kissinger is a Bolshevik, “International Bankers” send earthquakes and volcanoes to destroy America, the space shuttle Challenger was “taken out,” and – weirdest of all – the bankers and the feds and the Council on Foreign Relations faked Roswell and all the other alleged UFO crashes.
“Information available indicates that vast underground bases in the Southwestern U.S. house hundreds of Earth-based ‘flying saucers’ with a huge army of genetically produced ‘little greys’ that will be armed with laser type guns which will kill most efficiently.”
“But we must remember that this threat does not come from outer space, it comes from evil minds right here on planet Earth; from those who would destroy Earth, and it may even include a 3-dimensional holographic projection of ‘Jesus’ in the sky to save you, courtesy of Project Blue Beam.”
For most Studies in Crap authors, this declaration would be crazy enough. But Bilger has the heart of a champion. He continues on, complaining that the forgotten NBC alien-invasion drama Dark Skies turned out “to be a highly laughable comedy” designed to prepare the public for this fake invasion.
(The culprits? “The CEOs of NBC are always members of the Council on Foreign Relations, which is part of our One World Government, the United Nations.”)
But then he mentions this:
“In 1954 President Eisenhower set a meeting at Holloman Air Force Base with a race of extraterrestrials described as ‘large-nosed grey aliens.'”
“It is not clear (but doubtful) that JFK knew (as MJ-12 certainly did) that a joint Alien, United States and Soviet Union base already existed on the moon.”
So, let’s walk through Bilger’s theory. Our world leaders pretended to cover up fake close encounters in order to prep us for a fake alien invasion even as they covered up real close encounters. This is like if a nun accused a schoolboy of having dirty thoughts, and the schoolboy distracted her by sticking his hand in his pants.
While he disdains our lying history books, Bilger isn’t above cut-and-pasting a picture and caption from one of them.
In fact, the book has but two images. Here’s the other:
I think it’s safe to say that one wasn’t cribbed from Houghton-Mifflin.
Anyway, Bilger doesn’t shy away from the term “conspiracy.” Instead, he attempts to carve out a case with the chisel of Logic, which in his hands is less steel and strong than it is a slice of microwaved Little Caesar’s.
He argues that anytime government officials meet “in private with some advisors, or secretaries, or ministers, or consultants, and a decision is made to withhold some small amount of information from the general population . . . then, by definition, we have a conspiracy.”
“The true history of the world is a history of conspiracies. There is not then, nor can there ever be, such a thing as conspiracy theory. There can only be conspiracy fact.”
Here are his finest “conspiracy facts”:
And here’s his wildest idea of all:
“This book could well be an important new textbook for all high schools in America.”
[The Crap Archivist originates his on-line Studies for the Voice‘s sister paper, The Pitch.]