Woman Wards Off Bear Attack With Giant Zucchini


Yesterday we heard word of the inspiring and courageous true tale of a Montana woman who warded off a bear attack using only a garden-variety zucchini, or, in British parlance, a “courgette.” (Why do we love saying that so much?) Today, there’s more about the incident, including news about the zucchini itself, which turns out to be no ordinary zucchini after all. We caught up with the vegetable before its inevitable demise to ask a few questions.

First off, how big are you, anyway?
Some say I’m 12 inches, but you can see in the picture that I’m more like 14. Uncut. So far. In contrast, your average zucchini is like six inches, or maybe eight on a good day.

Tell us what happened that day.
I was just sitting on the counter minding my own business when I hear those damn dogs going nuts. The lady opens the door and sees the bear going after her dog — one of them Lassie dogs, you know? She screeches and the bear charges her, getting her through the pants on the leg. I’m thinking, those pants were no great shakes anyway, but before I can blink she’s got me in one hand, hauling hell to high water like Joe Montana passing to Dwight Clark during the 1982 NFC Championship.

That must have been terrifying!
Hey, I’m a zucchini. You see a lot of shit out there. On the plus side, I’m fairly aerodynamic.

Did you see the bear?
Hell, I landed on the bear. Hit him right on the big old noggin. I bounced like a rubber ball, and he takes off, all 200 pounds of him. Fortunately, I’m pretty flexible from all the yoga. I have a few soft spots from impact, but nothing major.

And you saved the life of the dog and the woman?
Yeah, they’re both fine.

That’s amazing! How about you?
How do I feel? I mean, it would be nice if someone would buy me a round of shots, just to be civilized, but this is what happens when you’re just a vegetable. Whatever, I’m cool. All in a day’s work.

What about the bear?
They set a trap. I hope they catch that mofo. Can’t guarantee I’ll be around the next time something like this happens, ya know?

We know.