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So, this happened: An actual doctor has created an actual Emergency Bra (in severe-alert red, with lace edging), that you can, in an emergency, cover your face with so as to avoid breathing in toxic dirty bomb fumes, or whatnot. They sell for $29.95 at ebbra.com under the tagline “Be safe. Be sexy.” Ha!
Maybe this is an okay bra. Maybe this is an okay face mask. Maybe even better than okay:
The wonderful design of the bra is already in the shape of a face mask and so with the addition of a few design features, the Emergency Bra enhances the efficiency of minimizing contaminated bypass air flow.
1) Emergency bra shoulder straps which easily convert into adjustable head straps, providing firm fixation of the mask
2) Flex inserts along the top rim of the bra caps which allow to shape the masks tightly around the nose bridge area
3) Inner cap liner/filter which acts like a butterfly valve during inhale cycles
But…here’s our beef: Did anyone actually test it out during emergency conditions? Because even though the bra’s maker, Dr. Elena Bodnar, who’s from Ukraine, was “inspired by the Chernobyl nuclear accident and by photographs of 9/11 victims running through the ash with rags over their faces” — and even though she won an Ig Nobel prize at Harvard (awarded for “ridiculous” research that turns out to be sort of useful) — wouldn’t a real woman in a real terrorist attack just get the hell out of there ASAP, maybe with whatever rags were immediately available over her mouth, not stopping to take arms out of sleeves, remove a shirt, possibly even a coat, fumble with those pesky hooks, put shirt/coat combo back on, and finally, affix straps to face and go?
When every millisecond matters, you tend to keep your top on. Just sayin’.
The good part about this creation, though, is that if people do use it in an attack, it will at least be amusing in a laugh-so-you-don’t-cry sort of way. Also, you get not one but two face masks here, so that’s economical. (Should you, as on an airplane, put your own on first before helping others?)
Anyway, if you do buy this bra, and you do find yourself in a terrorist attack, and that’s the one freaking day you didn’t wear it, wouldn’t that just be an Alanis Morissette song?