As we wait with bated, beer-bong-scented breath for Snooki’s debut into the literati, we are plagued with questions. What will her book’s title be? (A Shore Thing.) What will it be about? (“a girl looking for love on the boardwalk — one full of big hair, dark tans, and fights galore,” according to Simon & Shuster). What’s the cover? (Check here for Foster’s suggestion.) Will she byline it with her nickname, “Snooki,” her church name “Nicole Polizzi,” or her media name “Nicole (Snooki) Polizzi”? Will she dot the i’s with hearts?
Also, how long will it take Snooki to write the book? Who will ghostwrite? What will it be about? And who, pray tell, will she write like?
Ah! Remember that awesome “I Write Like” analyzer that we were all about until it informed us that we write like Dan Brown? (Screw you, I Write Like!) Well, Snooki, alas, does not have a lot of writing samples to pull from — she only recently started reading, it seems, and she has a website that’s clearly written by a publicist and mostly just has pictures anyway. Nonetheless, we took a collection of recent tweets that we feel fairly convey her range and style, and ran it through the machine.
Here’s what we put in:
It’s Snooki! I snook the night and snooked for love on Jersey Shore! I live my life to the fullest and don’t take anything for granted! Just sayin 🙂 So excited for my book a Shore Thing!! About life at the Jersey Shore, boys, drama and best friends. Hysterical and … I feel like a guy tryna “whew” a girl lol what has gotten into me? I’m on @JENNIWOWW’s cloud9 now. Fml thanks bitch. When everybody hates, thats when you know your doing something great. 🙂 Thinking about getting a dog!!! my little tiny princess…or ill get a great dane and ride it around nyc. I officially love virgin america airlines! They’re fricken playin usher while I check in lolol! Wheww party plane. Get offaaaa me and keep sippin on that haterade 🙂 freaks. So i hate sleeping on planes, because my neck feels broken. I try and turn my head and i cant. I look like a raptor #fml. When love comes, beggers can’t be choosers. I hope I say a big word today because I missed the word of the day yesterday! Need one today!
And this is what she got:
If this turns out to be true, we may have to off ourselves.