News & Politics

Brooklyn Woman Beats Up 500-Pound, Bed-Ridden, Oxygen-Masked Sister Over $100 Gift


Sometimes there are news stories that only lead to further questions. Like this one in the Post today, in which a Brooklyn woman with the awesome name of Jewel Lane beat up her “500-pound, bed-ridden sister — even tossing her sibling’s vital oxygen mask into the hallway” — over an argument about a $100 gift.

The “money” quote:

“She told me: ‘Bitch, die!’ ” said victim Marvenius Nicholson. “That hurt me. That really hurt me.”

While the details we do have are priceless and the stuff of great fiction (that oxygen mask scene would play awesomely on the silver screen), we can’t help wondering: What was the $100 gift? While the cops could not give us an answer, here’s a list of $100 items we’d beat people up for:

• The lion’s share of a $104 MetroCard.
• A box of 50 stuffed flying monkeys.
• A week’s supply of Gruner Veltliner — the 1 liter bottles, please.
• A “Please Return to Tiffany & Company” locket. KIDDING.
• Our dignity.

Most Popular