Did you hear the big news? New York’s angriest, smelliest gubernatorial candidate, Carl Paladino, is going to be on the TEE-VEE tonight at 5:13 p.m.. What’s going to happen? Nobody knows! We have some ideas.
5. The Weatherman Cameo: If Snooki can do the weather, anyone can.
And if anybody’s willing to piss on our heads and tell us it’s raining, Carl Paladino would be our man.
4. The Ernie Anastos Moment: Would anybody be surprised if Carl Paladino wants to advocate for a libertarian platform, starting with bestiality? Wouldn’t be the first time it’s happened on live TV in New York:
3. The Bill O’Reilly Moment: Maybe he’ll just find something to get angry at in front of us, to demonstrate his anger. And then be angry and show us how he’s angry:
2. The Network Moment: In Paddy Chayefsky’s 1976 Oscar-winning film Network, Peter Finch as Howard Beale foreshadowed the entertaining-outrage-as-news trend when dejected news anchor Beale went on television, and delivered the infamous “mad as hell” speech:
And basically became a martyr for it. Paladino’s been nothing but mad, mad, mad. And this could be his Glenn Beck-ian attempt at taking over the airwaves and speaking to a angry populace, because nothing rocks like rage.
1. The True Blood Moment: In a recent episode of True Blood, the Vampire King of Louisiana goes apeshit when his gay lover is killed, and decides to rip the spine out of a news anchor on live television, thus causing a terrible setback to human/vampire relations. Like so:
The point is that if it turns out that Carl Paladino is gay, a vampire, or a violent gay vampire, nobody would be surprised at this point.
Honestly, who the hell knows what Carl Paladino’s going to do on television today? But it’s not going to be revelatory, he’s not going to tell us anything we don’t know, and this guy is such a boldfaced lie, nothing will stop him from running for office short of being detained for criminal acts, which still probably won’t stop him from running. Just remember to watch, and then, remember to vote. Because if there’s one thing this man will absolutely, without question demonstrate today on television, it’s that he’s an inherently narcissistic sociopath who needs to be seen and heard, and an angry one at that, and that this need for spectacle will always trump any real progress or discussion the man intends on making.