Because it’s Sunday and the miners are out and — no matter what — you’re going to be hearing about this for the next week at least, we might as well get it out of the way: Justin Bieber hit a 12-year-old during a game of laser tag. It’s less ridiculous than it sounds because it sounds totally absurd, but you have to remember he is a 16-year-old boy and will never in his life be able to play a normal game of laser tag. That makes the whole thing sort of sad.
Celebrity blogger Zack Taylor has something resembling a scoop, with an exclusive statement from a worker from Planet Lazer in Canada:
“The 12-year-old kid was surrounding Justin in the corner with his other little friends and shooting him during the game with their laser guns. Justin did what any other person would do during a laser tag game, and was just trying to get away from getting shot at and accidentally hit the kid while running away. The kid’s sister said he started crying because he was hit hard, but when we saw the boy there was no marks or anything. Justin stuck around after in the lobby explaining what happened, when the kid’s parents decided to call the police. On a side note: Justin used the nickname, JOE DIRT, while playing laser tag.”
Obviously, the real takeaway here is JOE DIRT.
The CBC has a drier summation:
The owner of a laser tag centre said Bieber was kicked out of the facility after a 12-year-old boy complained to staff he was hit by the singer.
It doesn’t take puberty to know that the second you have any physical contact with the most popular child star of the minute, you can claim whatever you can for the attention. That is, of course, if you’re of the 21st-century tradition of being totally goddamn scummy. Reality television, ladies and gentlemen.
But seriously: “Staff of the laser tag centre said Bieber was being followed around and heavily targeted during the game.” This is the life Bieber’s parents made for him and when it comes to being, you know, 16, nothing is easy. No matter what actually happened in the dark depths of Planet Lazer, at least a little girl didn’t claim he touched her boob.
Now let’s never speak of this again, okay?
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