It begins. Tonight scores of idealistic youngsters will descend on the clubs of New York City for CMJ 2010, vying to find, amid this year’s slate of thousands of challengers, this year’s Surfer Blood, Sleigh Bells, or, uh, Black Kids. The official showcase schedule is here. Have at it. But let us not forget another crucial component of the CMJ experience: the daily slate of afternoon panels, wherein industry pros dispense priceless wisdom on a wide variety of illuminating topics. Let us examine today’s lineup, provided below with brief, unhelpful editorial comment.
Your Brand Is Your Future. Dedicated to helping you build “your own personal longevity.” Or, as your spam filter puts it, “SMASH TREES WITH YOUR HARDCOCK.”
How To Make Sure You Don’t Get Screwed. Don’t sign to Victory Records.
Reality Hasn’t Killed the Video Star. No idea what’s going on here, but Matt Pinfield is involved, so psych yourself up by listening to his cameo on Limp Bizkit’s Chocolate Starfish and the Hot Dog Flavored Water.
SoundExchange: What It Is, Why It Pays, and How to Get Your Share. Given that the answer to the third question is probably “just show up at this panel,” the answers to the other two questions can’t be all that impressive.
The Future of the Music Business? Really? Yes, America, it’s still Sublime cover bands.
American Hardcore and the Rise of Modern Rock. I’ll take “two musical movements that probably hate each other” for $800.
Blazing the Trail for Modern Urban Artist Development. Just pay The-Dream a shitload of money and don’t let anyone you know have sex with him.
Creative and Engaging Campaigns Around Your Live Show. Paintball guns, ripening tomato plants, trap doors, giant canes, gongs, more pedals.
Love What You Do; Never Work A Day In Your Life, and/or
Using What You Love For Positive Change. Provided what you love is writing American Idol recaps, and by “positive change” you mean getting people to leave racist comments on your American Idol recaps.
Kickstart Your Email Marketing. Start with three “icebreaker” paragraphs about what you had for lunch.
Live-stream Your Tour. By all means, webcast yourself pissing into an empty Vitamin Water bottle while barreling down I-95.
The 360 Deal Does A 180. Right up its/your own ass.
The Sync Is Clogged. Jargon Alert, first of several.
Transitioning Into A True Rock Opera: Green Day’s American Idiot. The first step is to lose all respect for yourself.