Dear Single Ladies,
Halloween is a time to show your true inner beauty, your wisdom and intelligence, your creativity and strength of character. Remember, leaving something to the imagination is always preferred to letting it all hang out. Desperation smells a lot like fake tanner and cheap polyester. And there are certain lines that should never, ever be crossed. Herewith, What Not to Be for Halloween: The Plight of the Single Lady Edition.*
10. A “sexy” French maid or cat or witch or devil…or a “sexy” anything, for that matter
These are tired. Just tired. Now, if you were to be a French cat maid with special magical powers that you use for evil, that could be okay. No…no…actually it’s not.
9. Audrey Hepburn as Holly Golightly
Come on. Think outside the teeny-tiny black dress and cigarette holder and clipped Transcontinental inflection. Like…a Chilean miner’s wife (or mistress), Jenn Sterger, Christine O’Donnell, Ginni Thomas, or, in a pinch, “Random Psychotic Drunk Girl,” made from things you have already in your very own closet/refrigerator/medicine cabinet!
8. Any female character from Mad Men
Boring. Also, as mere humans, we can never be as coldly beautiful and psychotic as Betty, as hot as Joan, or as bad-ass as Peggy. (This also applies to being a character from Twilight, Jersey Shore, or any Real Housewives franchise.) Better choice: be a sister wife.
7. A turkey baster
Yes, we all know what this means. Keep it to yourself, and by no means dress in it. Nor should you dress as a biological clock. Or as Jennifer Aniston. A ticking time bomb and/or human grenade and/or Carl Paladino, however, is perfectly fine.
Tee hee. Hoho. Terrible costume idea. Go as the Twitter fail whale. Or that albino from the Da Vinci Code who was always flagellating himself.
5. Porn star, stripper, sex industry worker, etc. etc. etc.
See also “sexy” anything. This is just trying way too hard. Where is the subtlety? Unless you are a porn star, in which case, this is trying, like, not at all. Go as a vegan hot dog instead. With relish.
4. A blogger
Oh, yeah, great idea. Reputation for being slightly grimy, working in stained p.j.s, addicted to coffee and/or _______, with more than a dash of overpowering neurosis. This may be who are, or who you want to be on October 31, but if so, that’s f’ed up, and exactly why you should hide it at all costs. If you must dress as a job, think crazy HR specialist, or news anchor Barbie. Unless you’re going as a very specific and particular blogger…which is weird.
3. The Duke fuck-list girl
Bad idea jeans. No, seriously, be bad idea jeans.
2. A “jailhouse honey”
Same goes for being a “hipster girl.” Aim high, ladies. Higher. ‘Cause your contributions here are so minimal as to be actually physically upsetting. At least respect us enough to dig up that old blonde wig, your Marilyn Monroe dress, and some pig’s blood, for the love of God.
1. A used tampon
One should avoid dressing as a feminine hygiene product in any occasion, much less as one that has been soiled. This is also a rare exception to the “okay for men” clause with regard to these costumes. Don’t do this, ever, anyone. You know, actually, there’s nothing wrong with just staying in on Halloween night.
*We admit to having donned some variation of more than two of these costumes, but that’s exactly why we’re here to tell you not to. We live, you learn.