Have you heard? Today is our 55th Birthday! YAYYYYYYYYYYYYY! As such, we’ve made a list of things you can buy us for it. After all, you know how much all of this costs you, the reader? Nothing. So you’ve obviously got the extra scratch lying around. Without further ado, here is what you should get and/or do for us:
1. A cheaper soda machine, you fucking pricks.
2. A genre to replace “Rape Gaze.”
3. A pet duck named Bill Jensen.
4. A new food critic. 🙁
5. Fifty-Five (55) $1 “scratcher” lottery tickets, sans judgement.
6. This map…
…framed and mounted over art director John Dixon’s desk.
7. Rogaine. For all of us.
8. A date for Jen.
9. A “Chill Pill” for Armond White. Possibly a DVD of Pixar’s Up as well.
10. A cure from the ear herpes we all contracted after transcribing those Dov Charney interviews.
11. Someone to finally fix the goddamn “construction moat” outside of 36 Coop.
12. BABIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Our biological clocks are TICKING! LIKE! THIS!
13. A cattle prod to keep the Rainman children of Cooper Union from trying to bum smokes off of us.
14. A cameo for Hollywood-ready senior editor Ward Harkavy on The CW’s Vampire Diaries.
15. Better, dirtier SEO.
16. For someone to finally tell us who Faux Mike Lacey was. We’d like to hire you.
17. For someone to finally hand me a smoking gun on who leaked Journolist. And even if they don’t, I AM STILL ON YOUR ASS.
18. A definitive answer on The Matter of Black Dick.
19. Really, we just want Paul to come back. He left too soon. A séance, however, will do.
20. A “Get Out of Jail In The 81st Precinct Free” card.
21. For white people to stop taking crazy pills.
22. Another person otherwise too sexy for their otherwise mundane job who is ready, willing, and basically asking us to be viscerally exploited.
23. Another bugged houseplant at the New York Observer.
24. A session with the “Eternal Sunshine” machine for Camille Dodero vis-a-vis the experience of uploading our (NSFW) “Naked Juggalettes” gallery.
25. A playpen to corral all the kids they keep hiring at Foursquare.
26. To be acknowledged by Wikipedia as a trustworthy news outlet. I’m serious!
27. For Bruce McMahan to stop being such a daughter-seducer. Or actually, no: for Bruce McMahan to never stop being such a daughter-seducer.
28. Just knock over an L Magazine box for us.
29. An office lobster named Bony Ortega.
30. A date with Pat Kiernan.
31. Also, sexted cell phone pictures of Budd Mishkin‘s dick. TRAFFIC. GOLD.
32. A family-sized case of these Marijuana Sodas. Because we’re going to drink them and get incredibly, incredibly high, is why.
33. Pens. We need more pens.
34. I desperately need a woman in my life. And a bath.
35. A sports car, preferably one fast enough to compensate for the size of our phallic symbols of power (see: inkless pens). Sorry, we’re cliches.
36. Just a call every once in a while. We don’t even need to talk, really, just a “Hi, hello, how are you, how’s the melanoma, don’t worry I’m going to take care of you when you can’t take care of yourself, which might be any day now, really, and I’m going to start to do it by raising my son Jewish instead of that crackpot ‘reform’ business with the granola people and the guitars my wife loves so much, because my parents sacrificed everything for me.” That’s all. It’s just, you leave home, and then what? Nothing. Nothing.
37. We’d like you to pay for this goddamn paper just once. That’s all. Just fork over a nickel.
39. A Salami for our Boys in the Army.
40. A few delivery trucks for the boys in San Francisco.
41. An office dog named Bruce Pugman.
42. A bartender at The Scratcher who will cut Tony off.
43. We need Tom Collichio to come in early one morning and be at Michael Cohen’s desk when he arrives tomorrow morning. Or Mr. Clean. He’ll work, too.
44. FREE WEEZY.
45. An “infinity” Metrocard. Wouldn’t that be amazing? I mean, really.
46. A photo op of Carl Paladino next to Oscar The Grouch, in their own respective trash cans.
47. A way out of this one-horse town.
48. Exponentially more reliable anti-perspirant.
49. A joke we could write about Backpage.com that wouldn’t get us fired.
50. A standalone Chick-fil-A. Is that really too much to ask?
51. Room in the budget for Christopher Weingarten to be brought on as our mascot.
52. Tickets to Amare Stoudemire’s Bar Mitzvah.
53. Trial membership to the Harvard Club.
54. The entire JD and the Straight Shot discography.
55. Don’t call it a comeback. Ever. Again.