There are many ways to orchestrate and execute a great Halloween prank. You can go big and obvious, or small and subtle. Sometimes the “trick” (foil to the treat) may lie latent for years, only to be discovered when its recipient least expects it (see: planted vomit). Sometimes the trick is a clear case of revenge (see also: planted vomit). And sometimes it’s simple, random creativity (see: creatively planted vomit).
Whether you go with the tried-and-true or the never-before-attempted, here are some tips for orchestrating a successful trick:
1. Embrace the element of surprise. What is Halloween about if not the unexpected? For example, put candy in the door-answerer’s bowl instead of taking it for yourself! At the bar, help yourself to a drink instead of waiting for the bartender to do it! Or, dress as a bus driver and commandeer an M-15 bus to everyone’s great amusement, including the cops, who love a good Halloween joke. Right?
2. Eggs and toilet paper. If you were in the war, these would be your guns and ammo, or just your ammo. They go together like peas and carrots, or whiskey and vomit (see above). Use them or lose them.
3. A trick does not excuse you from a costume. In order to better enhance surprise (and avoid incarceration), you should always dress up while committing a trick. A change of hair style and/or color, typical clothing, and even presumed gender can be extremely helpful to your cause. Further, dressing in the costume of the moment (Antoine Dodson, Snooki) will ensure you’re surrounded by others who look just like you. That’s called camouflage.
4. Push the box; think outside the envelope. Simply egging someone’s stoop is strictly for amateurs. It’s not the weapons, after all, but what you do with them. Put your own twist on the classics: Timing the hatching of several dozen Ostrich eggs to coincide with recipient’s drunken return to their apartment, where said eggs have been secretly hidden — now, that’s special. Or really go the distance with a ding-dong-ditch.
5. Use psychology. Leave flaming poo in front of your own apartment and accuse a neighbor of doing it. They’ll never know! Or bypass established constructs of normalcy to wreak havoc on social mores. Like, bike in the wrong direction in the bike lane! Dressed as sexy Justin Bieber!
6. In a pinch, just act crazy. Screams, Tourette’s-esque yells of random words and phrases, and smelling yourself and smiling dreamily are great ways to entice a suspicious party into getting the hell away from you, stat. This is also a good technique if you find yourself in the awkward situation of someone trying to trick you. As if.
7. No trick is an island, entire of itself. Go home with a hottie stranger. At the right moment, stealthily sneak out of their apartment, but before you leave, write a creepy message on their mirror. Like “I have herpes…and bedbugs!” or “I’m unemployed and still live with my mother hahhahahahahah!” They’ll be laughing for days. Make sure to include your phone number, as they’ll be sure to want to hang out again.
8. Location, location, location. Just like a joke made in a high school classroom or accounting office is always funnier, so is a trick made in the airport security line. Especially if it has to do with those new nudey screening machines.
9. Grapes make really good fake eyeballs, and they’re small enough to fit comfortably in a pocket.
10. Know your audience. Tell that annoying girl at the office who’s always dieting that you made the cookies with lard after she scarfs them down. Tell your boyfriend you’re really his girlfriend’s evil twin (who does exist!). Tell your kid that he’s adopted. Tell your mom that you’re moving home because you’re pregnant and have no idea who the baby’s father is. Tell your dentist you’re eating alllllll the candy. And tell the passengers on your “haystack ride to hell” that you’re actually blind, and not Snooki at all.
Halloween tricks = Hilarity for all!