New York City Man Employs Unique Attempt to Attract No One


The New York Post today tells the tale of a “pudgy, fanny-pack-wearing 40-year-old man who lives with his mother” and is “so desperate to find love, he’s posting handwritten personal ads at payphones around the city.” And yet, this man is not news (seriously, he’s been at it since 2009, as Gawker points out). Beyond that, there are a million like — or sorta like him — him on Craigslist. And in the streets. Take our word for it.

In fact, it seems the only thing newsy about our bachelor Malik Turner are 1. the extremely neat handwriting used on the lady-seeking flyers he plasters upon New York City phone booths and 2. his unique specificity. Also, maybe, 3. that he seems to think phone booths are a frequent habitat of single women. And 4. That he can use an umlaut. That’s hot.

No one hangs out in phone booths these days, we’re sorry to tell you, Malik — especially not promiscuous long-haired great kissers who wear daisy dukes with 5-inch spike heels, are independent and employed, have long fingernails, and are “willing” to “allow a guy” to use condoms. Or who will take turns paying on dates.

Says the Post,

On paper, Malik Turner sounds like a fairly eligible bachelor — at first: He’s single, gainfully employed as a “sorter/bagger” for the United Parcel Service, loves the color red, roots for the Rangers and Jets.

The Harlem man loves movies, nightclubs, Coney Island and Atlantic City. His hobbies include playing video games and riding the subway.

What he does not like: she-males, hookers, transvestites, short-haired ladies, drugs, diseases, gold-diggers (they don’t like you, either), the flat-chested.

Eligible, indeed. Who doesn’t love riding the subway enough to make it a hobby? But at the end of the day, can we blame the guy for knowing what he wants and going out and seeking it?

“I just want casual and promiscuous because I don’t want anything serious,” he said.

At least he’s honest, if repetitive. Also, even though he’s 40, he’ll date women 21-45. This guy may be a diamond in the rough. After all, there’s someone for everyone. And then there’s his phone number.

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